(89) A Decision… That Came Straight to The Point (Part 1)

A while ago I wrote several blogs about choices and making choices. Shortly afterwards an aneurysm that was sitting in my aorta was discovered. And again, I was facing some probing questions on my path-of-life. As if it had to happen like that!

For every option of the decision I’ve to make I would love to know everything. Everything that awaits me, including all its details and consequences. At the same time, I realize that’s not going to happen… it’s just not possible. An unknown part will always have an impact one way or the other. An unknown part that might turn out to be very important afterwards.

On the other hand, I made many decisions based on total uncertainty. Decisions, that afterwards turned out to be the correct ones. Then, why shouldn’t I take such a decision from the very beginning? In addition to the choices or decisions I had to make… to say it in extreme words… were not about life and death. This time it is about life and death! And this time it’s also about me! Even more reason to thoroughly consider a decision before the consequences are making themselves felt.

A few months later after several tests had been carried out, the specialist’s advice was crystal clear to me. My aneurysm hadn’t grown, and the specialist clearly showed that he was happy with the outcome. While taking everything into consideration he also advised that should an intervention be needed in the future there was a serious chance that I would lose the functionality of my left arm and may even get a paraplegia. To end up in a wheel chair and possibly losing the function of my left arm is not an option for me and not something I’m waiting for.

At that moment I had arrived at a point where I couldn’t go any further with my reasoning. It became clear to that I needed to play by my hunch. What are my needs and what does that mean for me. It was time for real thinking… well, ‘thinking’… about what I’m going to decide should an intervention be required.

When solving complex problems for which I didn’t have an answer immediately, it was always customary for me to bring the puzzle to background of my mind, the unconscious part of my memory, so that I wasn’t confronted with it daily. Also, this time I brought the puzzle to the background of my mind in full confidence that an answer would be found at some point. And, in my head it became quiet again.

During a yoga-session, some months later, a message came to me suddenly in my mind. A message that came straight to the point. The message was that I am allowed to come Home soon and that I could learn the lessons and to complete the tasks for which I was here on Earth as a human.

What makes that I’m allowed to come Home soon and that I’m allowed to learn the lessons and complete the tasks for which I’m here as a human on Earth? Doesn’t one option rule out the other… or… does it?

Of course, I would like to go Home soon. Going Home, that is the place where all souls or spirits are. Not only because my two deceased buddies are there, but because I’m homesick. Home, the place where True Love reigns! And yes, at the same time I hope that I can learn the lessons and complete the tasks for which I’m here as a human being on Earth. I’m here for a good reason and those lessons and tasks are important. Which lessons and tasks I don’t know, but deep down I feel an urge to learn these lessons and to complete the tasks. It is what it is. Every thought of doubt and fear disappeared, and at the same time it gave me the assurance that whatever happens, it is meant, and it will be all right.

Together with message I became aware that in case an intervention is required, I can leave the aneurysm in my aorta for what it is. In the meantime I should get everything out of life that is humanly possible for me. But, wait… I’ve already been telling and writing that for long time. So… do I still not get everything out of life?

For some reason the choice for leaving the aneurysm for what it is, gives rest in my head. For me that’s the indication that the choice that was made was correct. I’ve learned at an early stage that when a choice made doesn’t give rest in my head… then it’s not the right choice.

However, an answer to a for me personally important question remains: ‘how is it possible that I initially came from a clearly stressful situation… to a choice that gives peace in my head?’ What steps have I taken? What have I done to get this far?

I will continue with answering this question in part 2 of this blog.

(85) Closure

With the closure of my grief, I would also like to tell you that bereavement is not only about grief, loss and sadness… but also about joy and happiness.


In my first blog, I wrote that you’re not the only one who must deal with grief one way or the other. I wanted to share with you the journey I had made so far because of the loss of my daughter and my wife. I also wanted to share with you the lessons I had learned in the hope that you might be able to apply these to yourself.

In the 72th blog, I looked back over a period of almost 3 years and described how I was consciously and unconsciously processing grief. Looking back, I realized at the time that the raw pain of grief had changed into the soft pain of sadness, that I had found new opportunities on my path and that despite my sadness I had become a happy person again.

When publishing the 84th blog, it became clear to me that it was OK to be sad… because my wife had died… and I missed her. But, I should let her go in order to be able to get on with my life! And not only that, I also should fully accept the person I am deep inside including all limitations and possibilities! In retrospect, I also realized that I had changed so much that deep inside me I had become silent… almost serene.

With the publication of this blog, I’ve come to a point where I truly can say that I did let go my deceased wife and because of that she is able to continue her path in the universe where she is right now. Although I can’t feel her presence anymore, somehow, I understand that we always will remain connected with each other.

At the time of writing, my feeling clearly indicates that my grief has come to a closure. However, it’s my opinion that it never will come to a finality. There will always be moments in the future that I recall my late wife. During those moments however, my sadness will not hurt me anymore. A partner will understand that and will be there for me during those moments… just as I will be there for her.

The serene silence inside me, I wrote about in my previous blog, is still there. Although at the time of writing it feels more like… inner peace. Probably that’s because I truly accepted who I am… with all my abilities… and all my limitations. I also notice that I, much more than I used to do so… that I ignore unnecessary hassle, nonsense conversations and nonsense topics. It feels as if I need to squeeze a full new life into that part of my path of life that I’m walking right now. It’s obvious to me that while using all lessons I’ve learned I can finally continue with a life full of happiness, opportunities and most of all new challenges.

With the closure of my grief, I would also like to tell you that bereavement is not only about grief, loss and sadness… but also about joy and happiness.

(84) Letting Go

“I do understand that you are grieving because your wife has died and you are missing her dearly. But, if you do want to get on with your life then you should let her go.”


At the time of writing my wife died 6½ years ago… time flies. Our marriage experienced the usual lows and many highs, and looking back to those 35 beautiful years that our marriage lasted I can only remember the great moments we had together.

We had agreed during our marriage that the one who lived longest shouldn’t stay alone, but should seek a new partner. In my opinion, such a promise is one thing, to honor it is quite a different matter. I had several relationships in the period after her death. Ranging from superficial to intense and with a duration varying from short to over 1½ years. Looking back, I must note that my deceased wife was still deep in my system. Of course, that’s beautiful because we had a great marriage, but in a new relationship it’s a disturbing factor. And, yes, I can hear the statements that the new partner should accept that your deceased wife is still in your system, and that is rightly so, but it is in my opinion not fair to the new partner.

In the end, I came to a point in my life that I decided not to become involved in a new relationship anymore. I felt outstanding, many friends were around me, it felt great that way. During that period, I carried a necklace with our wedding rings attached to it. It gave me peace and comfort. It also gave the feeling that my wife was always with me. Although I couldn’t touch her physically, I clearly could feel her presence.

A couple of months ago, the necklace seemed to be getting heavier by the day. Don’t laugh… pragmatic as I am I even checked the weight of the necklace on the scales. Of course, it’s weight didn’t increase, but in my opinion, it felt that way.

At a certain moment, a voice said to me, as if the person was literally standing next to me: “I do understand that you are grieving because your wife has died and you are missing her dearly. But, if you really do want to get on with your life then you should let her go. You must also accept the person you are deep inside you; you must accept yourself completely. Add to the necklace with the wedding rings the symbol of an angel and one of eternal life.”

It took a while, but eventually I bought an Ankh and the wings of an angel and added these together with the wedding rings on the necklace. To my surprise I felt myself changing the following days. Colors looked brighter… more radiant. Water felt different… softer. I was happier. The world around me seemed friendlier. People looked at me differently… or was it that I looked at people in a different way.

Recently, the voice told me: “It is time to have on the necklace only the symbol of an angel and one of eternal life; without the rings.” This time I listened to the voice immediately and took the rings of the necklace. At that moment, my life seemed to upturn. It became silent within me, almost serene, but also a deep knowing; you could call it inner peace. It also felt like the world was holding its breath for the miracle that was about to happen… the miracle of meeting a new soulmate.

(83) Dilemmas

The dilemma at a choice between different interests with respect to dear ones could be that this requires key decisions from which future happiness depends. It is choosing between two dear worlds and you must make the best of it. Sometimes, afterwards, you regret your choice. But you can never know where that other choice would have lead to. Maybe you would’ve regret that choice too in the end. And at that moment, when the awareness is there, you suddenly step into a grieving process.


The past few blogs I’ve asked the readers if they could help me by providing me with their experiences they’ve had, experiences they are still going through perhaps and, what their opinion was about that. The story of one of the readers triggered something deep inside me. The blog is not just about her story alone, but also about others.

I would like to thank again all readers for their contribution.

What is the story about in this blog?

Kathy, a fictional name, and her partner have a son and a daughter who lead their lives for a long time.

The son lived alone and passed away a few years ago. The son had often visited his parents and his sister. Kathy and her partner took comfort in walking and music… and they took comfort from their daughter’s family. The daughter had much grief about the loss of her brother. From personal experience, I know all too well what the impact is when you lose a child. It doesn’t matter how you explain it, only people who have experienced this themselves will understand you. You’ll carry your sadness for the loss of a child for the rest of your life.

The daughter has a family and a child and lives abroad because of het partner’s work, it’s at about 6 hours flying distance. It’s a happy family. Despite all communication tools we have in our today’s world, Kathy misses direct contact with her daughter. The distance doesn’t make it easy either.

The daughter misses her brother, he often came to visit her. She also misses her parents and would love to have them living near her so they could see each other more often.

The relationship between Kathy and her mother was never optimal. Nevertheless, Kathy is doing a lion’s share of the care of her mother. It is becoming increasingly difficult for Kathy to keep it up. There are other family members who could help her mother. Her mother, however, considers it Kathy’s job to take care of her. Her mother doesn’t ask anything from the other family members.

When Kathy is with her mother, they never talk about Kathy’s deceased son. When Kathy is with her daughter, they can talk about him. Here Kathy feels herself complete again… as if her family is one tight set again.

Kathy and her partner are not one of the youngest anymore and have so their shortcomings. Moving to her daughter is not easy and how do you arrange the care for your mother? And all the acquaintances and friends that they have now… all those that you’re going to miss? It would be a whole new start… and that at her age.

And there you are… how to proceed from here?

Everyone wants everything from Kathy. If Kathy stays here for her mother, then Kathy will eventually blame her mother she can’t be with her daughter. When Kathy choses for her daughter then in the end, her mother will start complaining to Kathy she’s not with her.

An almost obvious question that is not asked to Kathy, in my point of view… “What does Kathy want?” In my opinion this a form of hidden loss and hidden grief, one of the variants of a mourning process.

What is it you want when you need to make such a choice… where nobody realizes what’s going on and because of that the question is not asked… or… is everyone afraid to ask that question to you? But most important is… “What do you want?”

The dilemma at a choice between different interests with respect to dear ones could be that this requires key decisions from which future happiness depends. It is choosing between two dear worlds and you must make the best of it. Sometimes, afterwards, you regret your choice. But you can never know where that other choice would have lead to. Maybe you would’ve regret that choice too in the end. And at that moment, when the awareness is there, you suddenly step into a grieving process.

A choice like that is rarely a simple one, but once made you should totally go for it. Never look back with the idea you should have taken the other choice. It’s about you and your partner and more important… it should feel if not great, it should feel good. Nothing more and certainly nothing less.