(83) Dilemmas

The dilemma at a choice between different interests with respect to dear ones could be that this requires key decisions from which future happiness depends. It is choosing between two dear worlds and you must make the best of it. Sometimes, afterwards, you regret your choice. But you can never know where that other choice would have lead to. Maybe you would’ve regret that choice too in the end. And at that moment, when the awareness is there, you suddenly step into a grieving process.


The past few blogs I’ve asked the readers if they could help me by providing me with their experiences they’ve had, experiences they are still going through perhaps and, what their opinion was about that. The story of one of the readers triggered something deep inside me. The blog is not just about her story alone, but also about others.

I would like to thank again all readers for their contribution.

What is the story about in this blog?

Kathy, a fictional name, and her partner have a son and a daughter who lead their lives for a long time.

The son lived alone and passed away a few years ago. The son had often visited his parents and his sister. Kathy and her partner took comfort in walking and music… and they took comfort from their daughter’s family. The daughter had much grief about the loss of her brother. From personal experience, I know all too well what the impact is when you lose a child. It doesn’t matter how you explain it, only people who have experienced this themselves will understand you. You’ll carry your sadness for the loss of a child for the rest of your life.

The daughter has a family and a child and lives abroad because of het partner’s work, it’s at about 6 hours flying distance. It’s a happy family. Despite all communication tools we have in our today’s world, Kathy misses direct contact with her daughter. The distance doesn’t make it easy either.

The daughter misses her brother, he often came to visit her. She also misses her parents and would love to have them living near her so they could see each other more often.

The relationship between Kathy and her mother was never optimal. Nevertheless, Kathy is doing a lion’s share of the care of her mother. It is becoming increasingly difficult for Kathy to keep it up. There are other family members who could help her mother. Her mother, however, considers it Kathy’s job to take care of her. Her mother doesn’t ask anything from the other family members.

When Kathy is with her mother, they never talk about Kathy’s deceased son. When Kathy is with her daughter, they can talk about him. Here Kathy feels herself complete again… as if her family is one tight set again.

Kathy and her partner are not one of the youngest anymore and have so their shortcomings. Moving to her daughter is not easy and how do you arrange the care for your mother? And all the acquaintances and friends that they have now… all those that you’re going to miss? It would be a whole new start… and that at her age.

And there you are… how to proceed from here?

Everyone wants everything from Kathy. If Kathy stays here for her mother, then Kathy will eventually blame her mother she can’t be with her daughter. When Kathy choses for her daughter then in the end, her mother will start complaining to Kathy she’s not with her.

An almost obvious question that is not asked to Kathy, in my point of view… “What does Kathy want?” In my opinion this a form of hidden loss and hidden grief, one of the variants of a mourning process.

What is it you want when you need to make such a choice… where nobody realizes what’s going on and because of that the question is not asked… or… is everyone afraid to ask that question to you? But most important is… “What do you want?”

The dilemma at a choice between different interests with respect to dear ones could be that this requires key decisions from which future happiness depends. It is choosing between two dear worlds and you must make the best of it. Sometimes, afterwards, you regret your choice. But you can never know where that other choice would have lead to. Maybe you would’ve regret that choice too in the end. And at that moment, when the awareness is there, you suddenly step into a grieving process.

A choice like that is rarely a simple one, but once made you should totally go for it. Never look back with the idea you should have taken the other choice. It’s about you and your partner and more important… it should feel if not great, it should feel good. Nothing more and certainly nothing less.

(82) Live!

Living life to its fullest is more important than a long life without living!


Living and love are essential themes in our existence. And above all, real life and true love are now rather lacking in our world. In our existence, living and love are in my opinion too important to waste.

Despite all the sadness around us and all the loss we must deal with personally, whatever the cause may be, it is important to proceed with our real life and true love. By continuing with our life this way, we honor and thank all those we have lost. In addition, we also owe them for the lessons we have learned from them, especially when we use these lessons for the benefit of ourselves… and for the world around us.

However difficult the situation is in your life, know that relationships with loved ones, friends and girlfriends come and go. Some relationships are for life… or for eternity. Other relationships exist only for certain periods. These relationships are from my point of view intended to learn from each other in life… and from life… whatever that may be. When we have learned everything from each other and it doesn’t matter what and how much, then our paths-of-life separate and we may meet each other again in the future.

For this reason alone, it is important not to get stuck in your grief. In mine opinion, it is better to get everything out of life then to have a long life without really living!

It is easily said, to do it is a different matter. By assessing everything in a positive way… however difficult that may be… eventually you start to proceed with your life again… and you will arrive wherever you want to be.

It is not necessary to put everything into actions immediately. Your attitude alone is more than sufficient to ensure that you even unconsciously carry out those actions that are in line with everything you feel.

But having that said…

There are people in our world, many people, who have hardly anything to eat today and they don’t know whether there is something to eat tomorrow… let alone… the day after tomorrow. People, who have no idea today whether they will wake up the next morning. People who need to live, possibly for years, in the most miserable if not horrific conditions. People who must survive every day, every hour, every minute… which is the only thing they can do! And those people you’re going to tell that they should consider or assess their life in a positive way? Those people you’re going to tell that they should get every possible thing out of their lives? They don’t understand what you are talking about… because, it’s the only thing they are doing already! Every day they get out of life what’s in it for them… how meager that might be! For them is all they have, there is nothing else!

In a nutshell, just as these people… and like my daughter in her short life… I will literally get everything out of life that it’s in for me. You might find me arrogant, but a long life without really living and truly loving I consider as… a wasted life!

And suddenly, to me death is not important anymore! What really matters is to get everything out of life that is humanly possible for me… every day… for the rest of my life… and maybe even after that!

(75) Impossible Choices

A choice that is made with love and that is accepted by all involved with their heart is not a choice at all… but a matter of course! To me that is unconditional love!


They love each other. But the thing is… her parents are not really happy with her relationship. They do not stand with her! And that she finds very difficult. She finds it difficult because she loves the other deeply… and she also wants her parents no sorrow because of her. She feels lonely… all alone… but she’s being forced to make one of the most difficult choices in her life.

A choice? Can you even speak of a choice in this case? Essentially it’s almost impossible to make a choice! After all, whatever the choice is, as long as it is not accepted by all involved with their heart (emotionally), there always will be people who consciously or unconsciously do not agree with it.

How often does it happen that you have a bad feeling about the choice that was made… but you don’t understand why? How often does it happen… that you are aware that you do not agree with the choice made? In all these cases, loss, whether it’s hidden or not, plays an important role in our life. Loss that translates itself into helplessness, sadness and in extreme cases even into bereavement.

One way or the other, we always have to be aware of that loss before we can accept it. And with that we end up in one of the many variations of processing grief. It also means that in this particular case loss has a (completely) different meaning for all involved. Because of that each person involved processes the resulting grief in a different way.

An illustrative example.

They both agree that they get divorced.

They both used to work at the same company and when at home they could discuss what they experienced during the day. They were a happy couple. She started to work with another company. A company where everything that was carried out was confidential and one was not allowed to discuss this with other people. Their relationship started to deteriorate because of that. She, on the other hand, was pushing hard to maintain their relationship on the level it used to be. He was promoted and the company needed him to work abroad for prolonged periods. The job required to work closely with others, so closely that a relationship emerged with one of the staff.

The both agree that they get divorced… but for different reasons. He, because he felt he couldn’t close the gap between his wife and himself. She, because he was cheating her.

Processing their grief will be different for each of them. Not just because they have different personalities and cultural backgrounds, but also because the staring points of their loss (the divorce) is different.

Now back to the choice at the beginning of this blog.

Every person is responsible for their own choices. But the other one, who loves her deeply… can only observe with all the love that person has… and can only be there for the one who makes the choice. Whatever you may think of this, however deeply they love each other, it’s my opinion that you are never allowed to influence the choice of your loved one. The parents are important too. And it’s my opinion that also the parents are not allowed to influence the choice of their daughter when it relates to love. Whatever happens, they may only observe and be there for her.

Isn’t it sad? On the one hand you do not want to grieve your parents and on the other hand you do not want to lose your loved one. You’re in a dilemma… it’s just not fair… it’s hardly possible to make a choice. And… should you even make a choice?

shutterstock_223648765The person who makes the choice, should do this with the heart. And it doesn’t matter how bad it is for the others… they are only allowed to watch and be there. For one thing is sure, when they interfere with the choice it’s my opinion that that choice is the wrong one.  Either the relationship ends or… the relationship will be infected one way or the other with the choice that was made… or there is a feeling that choice is enforced by one of the persons that are involved. The person who makes the choice should be able to do this freely, with the heart and without influence from anybody.

When everyone involved cannot accept the choice that was made with their heart then it’s my opinion that every person involved will end up with a mourning process from bewilderment through helplessness, awareness and hopefully understanding to a kind of acceptance. Because one way or the other, whatever the choice is that was made, the relationship with her and her loved one is damaged. And, also the relationship with her and her parents is damaged.

We really don’t think about it when we make these kind of decisions. Whatever the choice is, relationships will never be the same again. It’s my point of view that when this kind of choice is either influenced or enforced you cannot speak of true love between the one who makes the choice and the one who influenced whether it is the loved one or (one of) the parents. It is certainly not fair to the one who was “forced” to make the choice… and not only that… this person is scarred for life!

The alternative… a choice that is made with love and that is accepted by all involved with their heart is not a choice at all… but a matter of course! To me that is unconditional love!

(61) Has God a Plan?

The answers to question whether He really has a plan, or what the purpose in our life is, or whether there is life after death, are not unimportant. They determine in a large extent the processing of, and the way we process our mourning after the loss of a dear one.

Sometime ago I came across a quote from a movie: “God has a plan, but I do not always agree with that.”

Unfortunately I do not remember from which movie the quote is. Please, provide me with its details when you do know. It would give me the opportunity to make a proper reference to the movie in this blog.

Personally, I would not want to be limited to one single religion in particular and therefor replace in the word “God” or “The Almighty” in this blog by “He” or “Him.” In this way I hope to embrace all religions and do them justice.

Whether we believe, or maybe even know, there is life after death, we always remain with questions like “why are we here,” or “what is our destiny in this life and in this universe?” And what about those people who assume that after our death… there is no life, nothing at all… what is in their opinion the purpose in life… why do they do the things they do?

The answers to question whether He really has a plan, or what the purpose in our life is, or whether there is life after death, are not unimportant. They determine in a large extent the processing of, and the way we process our mourning after the loss of a dear one.

What is that purpose or objective in our life? Personally I have an opinion about that, but since every person is unique I assume that everybody’s objective in life is also unique. Moreover, I have found that the view I have about myself does not always match with the view somebody else has about me. That happened to me e.g. shortly after my open heart operations. Resting was a necessary thing for me to do. What made it distinctive though, was that my resting was not so much related to the recovery of my body, but it was related to something else completely. It felt like a coming home… but where and why… I had no idea. Most people who know me well see the difference, but not me! When other people have a different view about you than you experience yourself… or perhaps you can feel, but do not understand or can put into words… then how would you to be able to formulate your purpose in life anyway.

In my opinion a quote from the movie “The 47 Ronin” starts to provide some insight. It goes like this: “My father told me, this world is only a preparation to the next world. All we can ask for is that when leaving we have been loved.” From the quote you could deduce that in addition to a life after death the central theme in our life is love.

Would it be that simple? If true then in our world we all have a lot to learn because many people are killed for reasons like ideas, opinions, money, religion, culture or power. Indeed, we have a lot to learn!

A quote from the movie “Winter’s Tale” is going a step further. “When true love is lost, life can bleed of all meaning. We are left blank. But the possibility of destiny remains. What we are meant for may yet be discovered. And once in a very long while, that journey to find our destiny may defeat even time itself.” Also this quote could infer that love is a central theme in our lives. But there is more. Although that “more” is not always clear in our lives.

Love is a central theme in our lives; as is in mine. And yes, my true love has gone on her journey to the next world… and me… I stayed behind… “empty.” Despite my loss I am “traveling” again to find my destiny in life. Where that will be is not yet really clear to me. But one thing I know for sure… the destination will completely amaze me and will exceed my expectations.

What is that purpose in my life? Although still vague, I think I am starting to see and maybe beginning to understand the purpose in my life. I also expect that everybody else could see and understand the purpose of their lives. You could do this by imagining what has happened over a prolonged period of time in your surroundings and to you. What has changed for you and with you? How decisive were those changes on you and your way of life? Those changes do not need to be very impressive at all; most of the time it happens in a very subtle way. However, when you monitor those changes over a long period of time some changes will stand out… then you’ll see and understand.

On such moments you may ask yourself the question, just as I did: “Would he have a plan nonetheless?”

(60) Alone, But Not Lonely

Grief is like a wound. Grief leaves also scars, and those are visible too, even after years. Also the pain and hurt from grieving becomes less and disappears eventually… for most people. It may take a while before you hardly feel the pain anymore. And yet, in an unguarded moment, the pain is there again as intense as it was originally, and in those moments you think you are back to square one.

HPF_4779Your partner deceased recently. Family and friends want to comfort you and to help you. But, you are not in the mood for it. You want to come to your senses, but it fails. You feel lonely because in everything around you, you still feel the presence of your partner. Sometimes you think seeing your partner from a distance… you are shocked… hold your breath… your heart skips… At those moments sounds diminishes… and time seems to stop. Then… when coming closer… you see it is somebody else… and slowly everything is getting normal again.

Slowly you start realizing your partner will never be in your live again. The same is true for the people around you. But by the issues of everyday life, and also because personally there distance to the deceased is larger, the shock to most of them begins to recede soon… not with you though. Until you meet them again. For them the meeting is a just moment, after which they move on again. That is not the case for you! In the beginning you tell your story to almost everyone and to some even more often. Although you tell your story and to some maybe even more times, you start feeling it does not seem to resolve anything. Or, maybe you do not feel anything at all. Or, maybe you do not even want to talk about it with others.

You want to bring your house in order, but you do not get anything done. And those times you manage, you think at your partner again and in your mind you return to the time you were both together and happy. Precisely those moments you feel alone. Days go by without anything really happening. You want to, but you do not get it done.

You still have a long way to go in learning how to cope with your loss, your grief and your loneliness. Learn to cope? But you have not reached that stage yet. You have no idea how to advance with your life. You have not even an overview of this, let alone to get a grip on it.

The world keeps on turning, and the people around you keep dealing with their issues all day. You get the feeling that the distance between you and the people around you is getting bigger and bigger. For them it seems you withdraw more and more. On the other hand, you get the feeling there exist two worlds; your world and the one for everybody else.

In “The Light We Chase” I found an appropriate text that says it all: “I would rather stand alone than being lonely in a crowd.”
The book is currently being written under the pseudonym Jaymich90 on Wattpad.

It is important you learn to deal with loneliness somehow. When you are alone that is OK, as long as you are not lonely. When you are lonely occasionally that is not bad either, but it should not be every day.

People who are close to you start to suggest that you should go out and meet people again. That is easier said than done. To go to the theater or the movie alone, is quite a step. When you visit couples you often stand before a glass door. Yes, you will be invites one or two times and then it seems you do not exist anymore. When you run into one of them they cannot make an appointment. They need to compare agendas first at home. They promise to call back, but they never do. Yes, you see people in the office, but the priorities there are different. When you go shopping people see you, but most of the time you are occupied with searching for the things you need, and you are so self-centered that you do not pay any attention to your surroundings. Occasionally you hear that people have seen you at some place, but why didn’t they have a chat with you in that case? Well, it goes both ways.

You get tired of this and withdraw; some even burn one’s boats.

Eventually it is noticed. Friends and colleagues urge you to meet people again… otherwise you get lonely. But are you ready for that? It was not so long ago that your partner, the love of your life, deceased.

Lonely? As long as “lonely” translates to “alone” then sooner or later it turns out to be alright. You are alone anyway. Whether you are with your family or at work, or between thousands of people, or maybe you are even the center of attention… you are alone. Alone, because your partner that was so important to you, is not there anymore. There are people who claim that your partner is with you indeed as spirit… but at that moment that is of no use to you. You cannot touch the other. No more that chat. No more that hug. No more that laughter. No more the togetherness.  No more enjoying together. In those moments the wound of loss opens again. And as with all wounds, that hurts. It is all OK as long as you are not constant feeling lonely.

Wounds heal eventually. It can take a while, but they heal. Wounds leave scars, and you can still see these years after. Although you do not feel the pain anymore, sometimes you get those undefined sensations at your scar. As if you are reminded to that moment again… that moment when you felt the wound… in all its intensity.

Grief is like a wound. Grief leaves also scars, and those are visible too, even after years. Also the pain and hurt from grieving becomes less and disappears eventually… for most people. It may take a while before you hardly feel the pain anymore. And yet, in an unguarded moment, the pain is there again as intense as it was originally, and in those moments you think you are back to square one.

But despite all that has changed, all you have been through, felt and experienced, suddenly there are those days where you feel free and happy, despite you are alone. Days where you might feel yourself like a butterfly fluttering in the Sun from flower to flower. People are unique, for the one it takes a little longer than the other, but you will be fine… eventually.