(94) It’s Time to Change Course

What I have learned in the recent years while writing these blogs for the Mourn & Grief Foundation is … that at the beginning of my journey on the path of mourning I absolutely could not see and could not realize what it would take and what I would experience… a journey with moments in which I no longer knew what I should to do in order to get back on track in my life… moments in which I would rather prefer to die and to go Home, to be able to see my great love again and to hold her in my arms again… and yet … and yet, during those same moments there was always something that, or someone who motivated or, stimulated me in some way to go on… and moments when I really could not go any further in my life and everything seemed against me, my guardian angels made me feel that if I asked them for help, I would receive help in some way.

In retrospect, when I looked back during those years so now and then, I was always amazed what I had achieved in the meantime. I never noticed that during the day-to-day affairs. However, when looking back over a period of several months I could clearly see this. It provided me also with the extra strength to continue my life’s path.

In retrospect, I should’ve asked for help with processing my grief sooner than later. Apparently, it must have been the case not to do so, because the path of life on which I find myself now feels very good to me. It is what it is!

It’s time to change course because the processing of grief means to go on in life. Usually going on means to go on in a different way than you used to do so before. To go on with those things that are important to you in your life. Despite that huge loss. Despite that raw pain. To go on with your life… you must!

Realize that the closer you were to the dear one you’ve lost and, realize that the more you have loved her or him, the rawer and the deeper your grief of the loss will be. On the one hand that hurts you a lot and the other hand it is a huge compliment to the dear one you’ve lost and… it also is an indication how deep the love to each other was… or… still is.

But by going on, on your life’s path you also set your first steps in processing your grief. By going on you also begin to look ahead again, although you may or may not realize your destination yet. Hence, yes, it’s time to change course.

Yes, for me too it’s time to change course. Somehow, I feel I’ve fulfilled my daughter’s last wish I promised to carry out. Lately, it became more like a personal need to do this kind of work

As for the Foundation’s website it is also time to change course. A plan is being developed to add a discussion forum to the website for you to use later this year. It is obvious that the forum will be placed in a secure environment. I would like to receive any suggestion you have for the structure or content of the forum. You can contact me via this link.

(93) Awareness

Our life had to be the way it was!

After completing my previous blog [A Broken Heart] I was left with a vague feeling. A feeling I couldn’t really touch. That feeling was emphasized by my question at the end of that blog:

“What if we would have been able to process our grief, under guidance or supervision… would my soulmate then still be alive?”

It took a while until I got an answer to that question.

The sooner you are aware of your grief, the sooner you will be able to process it and… in my opinion, the less are the possible consequences. Whether you want to process your grief is a choice… that choice is entirely up to you.

It was only after the death of Anne Birgit, our daughter, that we realized we had to do something with the grief we had suppressed those 21 years our daughter lived. Suppressed… because we both constantly were in a survival mode.

Suppressing grief all those years became a second nature for us. It became a habit… yes… a habit! In the end, unprocessed grief will consume you from the inside. It starts with those undefinable ailments… ailments of which no one can find the cause… to even, as happened to me, two open-heart operations right behind each other… or even worse when my wife died of broken heart. These were signals from the body that something was off and that I needed to arrange my life differently… or even drastically. During the years that our daughter lived we weren’t aware that we needed to process our grief… and after her death we couldn’t… or didn’t know how to… a missed opportunity.

But… how do you become aware of your grief?

You could listen to the family, friends and the people around you. But, you may not want their view at those times.

You could keep a journal in which you summarize every 3 or 6 months what you’ve experienced in the past period… how you’ve felt and how you’ve dealt with it. When you’ve done this several times you may discover a trend on how you feel at that moment in relation to the beginning of your grief or loss. If your loss at that moment feels just as intense as in the beginning… that may be an indication it is time to seek help… seek help on how you could deal with that loss.

At this moment I’m quite sure that if we had kept such a journal, every 3 or 6 months, right from the birth of Anne Birgit, we would’ve become aware at an early stage of our daughter’s life that we needed to process our grief (all the time) one way or the other with or without help or guidance. Our life would’ve been very differently indeed.

Our life had to be the way it was!

(91) A New Beginning

It all moves away… even grief… pleasant or unpleasant… it moves away. Once you realize that it all fades, that’s when it gives you new perspectives and opportunities.

Bereavement is an inner process that must be given all the space that it requires. Don’t be surprised that during that process emotions like sadness, pain, homesickness or loss can occur. But, also emotions like happiness, pleasure, joy or delight. It can all be there. It’s all part of it.

But what you certainly shouldn’t do is to wallow in your grief. Never mind when you feel unhappy because of your grief. It’s part of our life. When you think though, that you shouldn’t be never unhappy, then that thought alone can be the cause that you feel unhappy… and maybe even stay unhappy unnecessarily. When we’re happy we feel a sense of expansion, and when we’re miserable we experience a certain depth. Therefore, you experience happiness or sorrow in life. You should treat both as equal because happiness brings expansion and sorrow brings depth… and both make us stronger.

It all moves away… even grief… pleasant or unpleasant… it moves away. Once you realize that it all fades, that’s when it gives you new perspectives and opportunities.

In a nutshell, bereavement leads to change. In my former professional life, I was used to prepare for change … and if you do that … you can somehow deal with that change … a change that you initially (in your wildest dreams) did not expect.

Can you prepare for a change like this? Yes, you can, that is if you see that death is coming… and yes, if you are both willing to talk about this. But many of us don’t see that death is coming… let alone if they can see that … are they willing to talk about this. Most of us can’t and are surprised by the news that a loved one deceased. And then, when the first shocks begin to ebb away a little and you become more and more aware of the loss, then in my opinion the grieving process begins… the process of processing your grief. Only then the change will begin.

How the process of that change proceeds is different for each of us. What I have learned and experienced is that the rawer the grief is after a loss, the deeper the love was for the other. I have also learned by simultaneously embracing the great love to my dear one and the (raw) pain and grief of her death, I was able to create something … the lessons we’ve learned from each other.

Therefore, never forget those lessons and continue your path-of-life with head held high. Be proud that you’ve learned so much from your dear one… that you’ve been able to support each other so much and… that you’ve enjoyed each other on those parts of your path-of-life that you could walk together! Hence, prepare for what you could do if you give yourself the ability … and more importantly … challenge yourself to go on.

Continue and discover despite all your sorrow so that this could eventually become one of your greatest adventures so far.

(90) A Decision… That Came Straight To The Point (Part 2)

The decisions I’ve taken during my life…
Have brought me where I am…
Have made me who I am…
Have made me see who I really am!

In my previous blog, I concluded with: “How is it possible that from a clearly stressful situation… discovering an aneurysm in my aorta with everything you can imagine… I’ve obtained internal peace… and arrived at a decision that should it be so in the future that an intervention is necessary… I can just leave the aneurysm for what it is! How do you arrive at such a decision? What steps have been taken? What did I do to get this far? ”

Answering that question is important to me. Because only then my blog will become much more than a description of what had happened to me.

With this contribution I don’t want to pretend that if you would use my approach in a comparable situation, you will achieve a similar result. The processing of grief is different for everyone and is certainly not a process that can be scheduled. With this contribution, however, I want to show you that no matter how dark and how long the tunnel is, eventually you’ll see light again at the end of the tunnel.

In the book “The Jeshua Channelings” by Pamela Kribbe it is stated that the light and the dark, perhaps you prefer to express this in terms of good and bad, are not intended to transform the dark into the light. No, it is the light and the dark, which are each other’s natural counterparts, that transform together to the golden light of the Christ-consciousness. Naive as I am, I assume that every belief system on Earth, albeit using different words, use a similar philosophy.

I personally experienced a transformation to the golden light in June 2016. After a period of consciously and unconsciously working on the processing of my grief and the loss of my deceased wife, I noticed that I’d made a huge U-turn. A U-turn that changed the raw pain of grief and bereavement into the soft pain of sadness. Moreover, I obtained new opportunities on my path-of-life and despite my grief I became a happy person again. In retrospect I can conclude that what I’d achieved then and as I feel today, I couldn’t have guessed in my wildest dreams!

The 90/10 rule exists in psychology, which means that the way we react to events has much more influence than the events themselves. Only 10% of our lives are determined by the things that happen to us. The other 90% is directly related to how we respond to that 10%. When confronted, our reaction determines how we move on in life. It all depends on ourselves.

In my opinion it boils down to the following:

  • Change the way you think. Look at it from the other side. Do not assume that something is not possible, but that it is possible. Restrict yourself to those things that are important; the remaining part usually doesn’t matter at all.
  • Do not postpone what you can do now. When you postpone the threshold you need to take to act becomes higher and higher; often postponement results in tomorrow never comes. And in order to prevent that others will make the decision for you with all possible counterproductive consequences for you, it is better to immediately prepare a decision yourself and to be ready when the moment is there.
  • Do realize that the more insight and knowledge you have into the problem, the better you understand the possible approaches for a solution, the more you will relax and obtain harmony in your head. Uncertainty is “killing!” In other words, the sooner and the faster you assess your options and obtain your answers, the sooner you can relax and will get stillness in your head.

The effect of the above was that immediately after the consult with the surgeon I started in a familiar, systematic and structured way to assess what the consequences could be for my body when an intervention should be required for correcting the aneurysm in my aorta. At the same time, I needed to find out what the risks could be during the operation and what I should decide and arrange prior to the procedure. And more important to me, I needed to find out what the consequences would be for me when such a risk occurred after or long after the operation… and how I would respond to that. And last but certainly not least, what would be the consequences for me and my dear ones when I would decide for the option to do nothing at all.

It all seems so simple, but it certainly is not. While thinking about the (possible) options and the consequences of those options, emotions will release themselves. Your emotions… and those of your dear ones. And precisely those emotions will determine the content of your plans and your decisions… at least that was the case with me.

Then I moved the plans and the results of those plans to my subconscious so that these would be out of the picture for a while. Perhaps I’m privileged because I’ve learned to solve complex problems this way early in my life. I am convinced that your unconsciousness is somehow connected with the universal knowledge within the spiritual world. At some point in time, but always unexpectedly, I received the message that I may come Home soon and that I also can learn the lessons and to complete the tasks for which I’m here as a human being on Earth.

That I’m allowed to come home soon does not mean that I will soon die. On the contrary, I’m enjoying life right now. But I do long to Home… that place where real and genuine Love exists. In a Dutch book “De emotie encyclopedie” (which translates as: “The Emotion Encyclopedia) with as subtitle “gevoelens als navigatiesysteem naar een gelukkig leven” (which translates as: “feelings as a navigation system to a happy life”) writes Vera Helleman that homesickness to Home tells you that you not only long for your home in the spiritual world, but also that your own space is important to you. In fact, it is important that whenever and wherever you are, you can be yourself.

Early in my life I learned that when I made a decision which did not feel right or good, the decision had to be revised! And to avoid that your decisions would be made or forced by others, it is better to prepare decisions immediately and to be ready as soon as the right moment is there.

Yes, I really do know and understand… preparing the plans and the final decision to make may not sound complicated at all… but the emotions that arise during the preparation of those plans make it difficult… and sometimes make it very hard. However, I realize all too well that uncertainty is “killing!” For that reason alone, the fact that I know what I will decide when the moment is there, gives me inner peace and self-confidence.

Once a decision is made by me, I accept the consequences of that decision and… I never look back at how I could have decided differently. Once a decision is made, my reality has changed, and I can never go back in time where afterwards I might have preferred a different decision.

The decisions I’ve taken during my life…
Have brought me where I am…
Have made me who I am…
Have made me see who I really am!

When you end-up in a similar situation then I sincerely do hope that this blog, in the case it was not able help you, at least gave you an idea how you could prepare for your choice or your decision.

(89) A Decision… That Came Straight to The Point (Part 1)

A while ago I wrote several blogs about choices and making choices. Shortly afterwards an aneurysm that was sitting in my aorta was discovered. And again, I was facing some probing questions on my path-of-life. As if it had to happen like that!

For every option of the decision I’ve to make, this time I would love to know everything. Everything that awaits me, including all its details and consequences. At the same time, I realize that’s not going to happen… it’s just not possible. An unknown part will always have an impact one way or the other. An unknown part that might turn out to be very important afterwards.

On the other hand, I made many decisions based on total uncertainty. Decisions, that afterwards turned out to be the correct ones. Then, why shouldn’t I take such a decision from the very beginning? In addition to the choices or decisions I had to make… to say it in extreme words… were not about life and death. This time it is about life and death! And this time it’s also about me! Even more reason to thoroughly consider a decision before the consequences are making themselves felt.

A few months later after several tests had been carried out, the specialist’s advice was crystal clear to me. My aneurysm hadn’t grown, and the specialist clearly showed that he was happy with the outcome. While taking everything into consideration he also advised that should an intervention be needed in the future there was a serious chance that I would lose the functionality of my left arm and may even get a paraplegia. To end up in a wheel chair and possibly losing the function of my left arm is not an option for me and not something I’m waiting for.

At that moment I had arrived at a point where I couldn’t go any further with my reasoning. It became clear to that I needed to play by my hunch. What are my needs and what does that mean for me. It was time for real thinking… well, ‘thinking’… about what I’m going to decide should an intervention be required.

When solving complex problems for which I didn’t have an answer immediately, it was always customary for me to bring the puzzle to background of my mind, the unconscious part of my memory, so that I wasn’t confronted with it daily. Also, this time I brought the puzzle to the background of my mind in full confidence that an answer would be found at some point. And, in my mind it became quiet again.

During a yoga-session, some months later, a message came to me suddenly in my mind. A message that came straight to the point. The message was that I am allowed to come Home soon and that I could learn the lessons and to complete the tasks for which I was here on Earth as a human.

What makes that I’m allowed to come Home soon and that I’m allowed to learn the lessons and complete the tasks for which I’m here as a human on Earth? Doesn’t one option rule out the other… or… does it?

Of course, I would like to go Home soon. Going Home, that is the place where all souls or spirits are. Not only because my two deceased buddies are there, but because I’m homesick. Home, the place where True Love reigns! And yes, at the same time I hope that I can learn the lessons and complete the tasks for which I’m here as a human being on Earth. I’m here for a good reason and those lessons and tasks are important. Which lessons and tasks I don’t know, but deep down I feel an urge to learn these lessons and to complete the tasks. It is what it is. Every thought of doubt and fear disappeared, and at the same time it gave me the assurance that whatever happens, it is meant, and it will be all right.

Together with the message I became aware that in case an intervention is required, I can leave the aneurysm in my aorta for what it is. In the meantime I should get everything out of life that is humanly possible for me. But, wait… I’ve already been telling and writing that for long time. So… do I still not get everything out of life?

For some reason the choice for leaving the aneurysm for what it is, gives rest in my head. For me that’s the indication that the choice that was made was correct. I’ve learned at an early stage that when a choice made doesn’t give rest in my head… then it’s not the right choice.

However, an answer to a for me personally important question remains: ‘how is it possible that I initially came from a clearly stressful situation… to a choice that gives peace in my mind?’ What steps have I taken? What have I done to get this far?

I will continue with answering this question in part 2 of this blog.