I used to see images I could not explain to myself. Later it turned out that these images showed me moments in my future. I didn’t understand them and was not able interpret these images, so you can image they weren’t of any help to me and in other words it scared me a lot. Our daughter saw much more images and people of which she was not afraid. She discussed these with us and she was even able to interpret them. My wife didn’t like this at all, but I saw a few pieces of the puzzle of my life starting to fall in place.
After the death of our daughter she showed me many more images. She knew I was visually oriented, hence, she communicated to me by showing images only. Brilliant images with indescribable beautiful colors. The shades, their intensity, the warmth and emotions these colors showed were indescribably beautiful. It was something I had never seen before. And then the peace those images radiated. Words like brilliant and impressive, all words with which you try to describe these colors and these images were a far cry from what I was allowed to see. The images gave me support, they also indicated that there is much more after our lives on Earth and because of this I was able to scramble back little by little.
Both, my wife and me, were looking for much distraction to release the stress in our bodies caused by the death of our daughter. We had a massage every week. I went to the Sports Center and later yoga. My wife played tennis several times a week, exercised Tai Chi and later also went to the Sports Centre. My wife cried quietly at night while during the day she was the happiest person you can imagine. My body slowly de-stressed, she couldn’t relax. I tried to help her by instinctively doing those things that could release her stress, but she didn’t accepted this because she didn’t want me to deal with all her emotions that came free. She wanted to protect me because I had much grief too. She didn’t want me to feel her sorrow and grief in all its intensity.
My wife accepted no help at all and tried to resolve it in her own way. Eventually she died of a broken heart. We both foresaw her death but she didn’t want to talk about this, with nobody.
Despite his grief, my son kept me up and running. The teams at my work kept me up and running. In addition to the daily puzzles during our work we had a lot of fun. I have treasured friends who kept me on my path. Wherever I was, the teams gave me much support all the time; they were my Golden Teams. We have been on vacation a few times my son and me, which was fun and brought us closer than we ever had been. But when I was alone I became a different person. In the two years after the death of my dear wife I have never been so ill in my life. There were moments I didn’t want to live anymore; I obviously didn’t know how to cope with my grief.
My employer didn’t want me to retire. My job was awesome so I didn’t. However, the last project spoiled all the fun and love for my job. Yet there was always that huge urge that I had still to do something that is important for my future and for all of us in this world.
After my retirement, some 13 years after the death of our daughter and about 2 years after the death of my wife, it became very difficult for me. My energy disappeared, felt depressed and whatever I tried to do didn’t work out; I was so … tired. By chance, not sure whether chance exist, I found a document that explained how people deal with processing loss. There were statements and comments that were also applicable to myself. At that moment I recognized and acknowledged that I was working on or maybe starting the bereavement due to the loss of my daughter and my dear wife. The first step was finally taken.
Now imagine that I was aware of starting my bereavement much sooner than 13 years after the death of our dear daughter. I am still wondering whether my wife would still be with me in that case. So to all of you who lost a person who is dear to you, seek support the sooner the better.