(24) Live! Living With Yourself. 10 Years Later.

Started bravely with my life after… My life’s motto was after all: I came into the world in a very privileged way, I don’t have the right to ruin my life, neither has another one.

I still had a whole life ahead of me after the death of my husband. We had been married for 30 years. The chance I still have 30 years ahead, is quite real.

Started bravely with my life after… My life’s motto was after all: I came into the world in a very privileged way, I don’t have the right to ruin my life, neither has another one.

Experienced twice the warmth of a possible new relationship. It has healed me, it has given me confidence. This happiness was not successful though. That’s also life.

I live my life anyway. I have learned to tolerate, fortunately you don’t have to accept everything. I’ve learned that you can still be very sad, you’re allowed to feel lonely, and that there is always moment when life smiles at you again. So, don’t sweep your feelings under the carpet.

I have an interesting life. Feel loved. Still feel myself privileged. I am not willing to ruin my own life. I don’t idealize my marriage, but what a pity that we were not allowed to grow old together. To grow old together, despite the downsides.

What a discovery! Knowing why you want to stay together, to feel safe and may be week. It was possible to give each other space and freedom and to have some life for yourself. That’s also the reason that I knew and know how to live well.

It’s now 10 years later. I am important to many but, not the most important. Overall it’s no fun living with myself. I still didn’t manage to live with myself to live well. Am I the only one with a feeling like this? I am able to relax and to enjoy beautiful things. I am also pleased with myself, but to give real life an 8 or better? I don’t think so.

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