(88) How Do You Proceed When All Seems to Collapse (Part 2)

If I dare to live with complete surrender to everything that comes my way, then I really live, and that’s what I’m learning now

To read part 1 of this blog click here.

I had finally made my choice. I surrendered myself to the expertise and knowledge of the present day regular medicine. Now was the moment for my breast mastectomy. I always used to say that I would never choose an internal prosthesis. But now, I really had to make a choice. I wondered if I was really prepared to live with a flat chest for the rest of my life. Due to the surgical removal of my armpit glands in 2007, I knew what it was like to feel your hard ribs directly beneath your skin without the normal layer of fat in between. Because of my job I also knew how a body looked like after a breast amputation. For someone else It didn’t bother me, but the beauty was gone, and now it concerned my own body! My beasts had always been my pride. I could enjoy the feeling of their soft curves. And now I had to miss one breast. The surgeon presented me with four different operations I could choose from. The choice I wanted was not an option though, whatever choice I would make I would lose my own familiar breast. How can you make a choice when deep inside your heart you don’t want any of these choices? When I realized once again that when an internal prosthesis would be applied I always would walk with “a strange and cold thing” in my chest with all risks involved, this choice fell off. In the end I chose for a reconstruction from my own tissue where a large muscle from my back would be folded forward and would form my breast. My new breast would become a little bit smaller, but it was my own tissue and I would remain my décolleté. Furthermore, fat from my back would be sucked away to make my breast as big as possible. This operation was less intrusive than a full reconstruction from my own tissue. With full confidence I went into the operation and I felt supported by everyone who loved me and everyone that was around me. However, I remained doubtful until the last minute about the profound choice I had made, even though I had compared all cons and pros with each other and I had taken a well deliberate decision.

During the operation and the period of 6 weeks that followed, it felt like I was being carried. I was surrounded by a warm blanked of friends, family, relatives and angels and I was so relieved that I was freed from the tumor. There was a moment where I thought “what if I had made the decision for the operation earlier.” But in that case, I wouldn’t have had the experience I’ve now. I did it my way and as far as was possible I listened to what I wanted.

Now I want to get used to my new body, my chest and my back that do not feel like mine anymore. In addition, again I lost confidence in my body and I also need time now to rebuild confidence in my body for the future.

Fortunately, the assessment of the tumor concluded that this tumor was a new one and had nothing to do with the previous one.

I am thankful that I’m doing well and that I may continue to enjoy life on Earth including all ups and downs that belong to this. If I’ve learned something over the last two years, my desire to death is as great as my desire to live and, the fear to live is as large as my fear to die. If I dare to live with complete surrender to everything that comes my way, then I really live, and that’s what I’m learning now.

(87) How Do You Proceed When All Seems to Collapse (Part 1)

I couldn’t ignore it, I knew it, again a tumor was sitting in my breast.

It’s May 2015 when I feel a bump in my breast for the second time. This time just a bit outside the area of the surgery that was nine years ago. I felt a twinge a few weeks ago that remembered me of the previous time. After that my breast felt a bit more firmer and a bit more sensitive. I just couldn’t believe it. I hardly could feel the lump because it was sitting so deep inside. But I couldn’t ignore it, I knew it, again a tumor was sitting in my breast.

The replacement General Practitioner didn’t feel anything which gave me a bit of hope. Nevertheless, given my previous experience, we decided that it would be better to have it checked by the surgeon.

In the hospital, a mammogram and an ultrasound were made and before I realized it a needle was in my chest to take a puncture from the tumor that was deep inside. I was in shock! Freezing cold and trembling I walked back to the surgery. Again, my body let me down, that’s how it felt for me. The surgeon told me that she would discuss this with the oncology team, first surgery and then chemo- or hormone therapy or the other way around. In any case, it would be an amputation, because to operate upon the same breast twice was not an option. Stunned, I listened to what she told me.

I went home and started wondering what I wanted to do. An operation… is that what I wanted… a chemo therapy… or a hormone therapy… had I still confidence in the hospital? In the end, I decided to request a second opinion at a specialized hospital.

Further research was carried out to determine the exact location of the tumor and to see if the rest of my body was tumor free. No metastases were found fortunately. The present tumor could have been from a remnant of the previous one perhaps, but it could be a new tumor too. In the meantime, I had decided to try to get rid of the tumor by my own mindpower, adjusted nutrition and the use of supplements. Even though I found it exciting, I wondered if I my willpower would be strong enough to see this through. I told the oncologist what I wanted and together we decided to try this in combination with a hormone therapy. The oncologist gave me a year’s time, then we would see how to proceed from there. I was very grateful to her that she was willing to give me this opportunity.

I meditated and visualized that all my cells were energetic and vital and functioned as was originally intended, I visualized that the immune cells were recovering each and every irregularity that had occurred. In addition, I skipped all sugar and meat form my diet and supported my body with dietary supplements that increased my natural resistance. The tumor reduced steadily in size, but continued to suffer from anxiety attacks in which I saw the tumor growing and spreading in my body. After nine months, the tumor was shrunk by more than half. Proud as I was with the result, I had my 3-moths check with the oncologist when she remembered me that the year was almost over and that she found this an excellent moment for scheduling a breast amputation. In addition, she said, despite my good intentions, usually the tumor starts growing again after a year. My world collapsed, fear and panic overwhelmed me and I lost all power to proceed with this approach. Three months later it appeared that the tumor had increased again. I decided for the operation.

Had I failed? Of course, this thought occurred to me. But I know now two things 1) I can influence my health and 2) it requires rock solid confidence and discipline. In addition, you can only go against the regular order with guts and perseverance . I’m happy I’ve listened to my wish and that I dared to do it my way first.

To read part 2 of this blog click here.