(95) A Chance Encounter

When you pay close attention to the world around you… then you regularly come across special things to enjoy… then you meet people with whom you have special conversations. The more you are aware of this… the more beautiful life becomes… the happier you become… despite that great loss, or the dear one(s) you have lost.

We met somewhere by chance at an airport, waiting until we were called to board the plane that would take us to our destination. She went to Italy… a week to a painting course in Florence and then a week to Venice and Rome. I was on my way home.

The encounter had something magical. We both had the feeling that we knew each other for a very long time. But, that just wasn’t possible. She had grown up somewhere in Central America, and I somewhere in North-West Europe. During the conversation we found out that she had lost her husband and her son… and… I had lost my daughter and my wife. She had another daughter and I had another son. It seemed as if we were two halves of a whole. We recognized each other’s grief with which we struggled… we understood each other completely. Perhaps that’s why we felt we had known each other for a very long time.

Our conversation took less than an hour, but it felt so much longer. It seemed like we had to meet each other… we had to meet each other to make us aware that although you have a lot of grief because of your loss… that you’re not the only one.

When she walked to the plane that would bring her to Italy it seemed… as if she was dancing… as if she was relieved… as if she had become aware that she was not the only one who had lost precious mates. With me it seemed like a veil was being pulled away… making everything a bit brighter… happier… lighter.

It was just a short encounter, by happenstance. But still… by the peace and the joy it gave… afterwards… both to her and to me… you would (almost) think that this encounter was set up by a higher power. And just those little moments… those little moments that can stand in stark contrast to the life of all day… those little moments are for me the moments that make it worthwhile to take everything out of life what’s in for me.

When you pay close attention to the world around you… then you regularly come across special things to enjoy… then you meet people with whom you have special conversations. The more you are aware of this… the more beautiful life becomes… the happier you become… despite that great loss, or the dear one(s) you have lost.

(94) It’s Time to Change Course

What I have learned in the recent years while writing these blogs for the Mourn & Grief Foundation is … that at the beginning of my journey on the path of mourning I absolutely could not see and could not realize what it would take and what I would experience… a journey with moments in which I no longer knew what I should to do in order to get back on track in my life… moments in which I would rather prefer to die and to go Home, to be able to see my great love again and to hold her in my arms again… and yet … and yet, during those same moments there was always something that, or someone who motivated or, stimulated me in some way to go on… and moments when I really could not go any further in my life and everything seemed against me, my guardian angels made me feel that if I asked them for help, I would receive help in some way.

In retrospect, when I looked back during those years so now and then, I was always amazed what I had achieved in the meantime. I never noticed that during the day-to-day affairs. However, when looking back over a period of several months I could clearly see this. It provided me also with the extra strength to continue my life’s path.

In retrospect, I should’ve asked for help with processing my grief sooner than later. Apparently, it must have been the case not to do so, because the path of life on which I find myself now feels very good to me. It is what it is!

It’s time to change course because the processing of grief means to go on in life. Usually going on means to go on in a different way than you used to do so before. To go on with those things that are important to you in your life. Despite that huge loss. Despite that raw pain. To go on with your life… you must!

Realize that the closer you were to the dear one you’ve lost and, realize that the more you have loved her or him, the rawer and the deeper your grief of the loss will be. On the one hand that hurts you a lot and the other hand it is a huge compliment to the dear one you’ve lost and… it also is an indication how deep the love to each other was… or… still is.

But by going on, on your life’s path you also set your first steps in processing your grief. By going on you also begin to look ahead again, although you may or may not realize your destination yet. Hence, yes, it’s time to change course.

Yes, for me too it’s time to change course. Somehow, I feel I’ve fulfilled my daughter’s last wish I promised to carry out. Lately, it became more like a personal need to do this kind of work

As for the Foundation’s website it is also time to change course. A plan is being developed to add a discussion forum to the website for you to use later this year. It is obvious that the forum will be placed in a secure environment. I would like to receive any suggestion you have for the structure or content of the forum. You can contact me via this link.

(92) A Broken Heart

What if we would have been able to process our grief, under guidance or supervision… would my soulmate then still be alive? A question I probably will never get answers to.

On a warm afternoon in October 1978, our daughter Anne Birgit was born in a hospital. We rejoiced that our long expected first child was born.

Our happiness was short lived however. That same evening the surgeon contacted me and asked if I could come over to the hospital immediately. The meconium, the first excrement of a newborn child, was stuck and there was also a first indication that our daughter might have Cystic Fibrosis. Mary-Anne, my partner, wasn’t informed yet and the surgeon asked us if the three of us could discuss the various options… and then decide how we would proceed from there. Time was of the essence. There you are, being parents for the first time of your life… thrown into the deep.

That same evening, our newborn daughter, hardly 8 hours old, had her first operation in her life.

It was also the first time in my life that my world was completely destroyed. Even today, over 40 years after Anne Birgit’s birth, I can still see the images with my mind’s eye how a beautiful future was shattered in one blow! Not only mine world was shattered, Mary-Anne’s too. I can still see the fear in her eyes… I can still hear her crying from the depth of her soul… searching for words. That evening changed both of us forever.

While our daughter was being operated we took an impulsive oath to each other… that, whatever would happen during our lives… we would always stay together and face whatever was thrown to us in the future… we would always be there for each other. At that moment it felt it was important so that a higher power would allow Anne Birgit to live. One way or the other, that oath to each other gave us peacefulness… gave us an unfamiliar energy… no… power to continue. That power was really needed because at that time we hardly couldn’t imagine what was in store for us… how we later had to struggle in guiding our daughter… and that we would get the privilege to bring Anne Birgit to the Light.

Not many people can imagine what we had to live through those 21 years during the life of our daughter. How high the stress levels were and how lonely we were. Anne Birgit became a beautiful young woman who knew very early in her life that she had not many years to live.  Early in her life she made conscious choices and, she tried to get everything out of her life that was humanly possible. Buy because she would have a short life and because she was good looking… at the outside… we met frequently people who couldn’t or didn’t want to accept her illness. It didn’t make sense in our eyes, but we had to deal with it one way or the other. As if our daughter’s illness wasn’t bad enough, the misunderstanding from others did a great job on top of it.

Looking back, that oath we took to each other during the operation of our 8 hours old daughter… that oath kept us together during our 35 years of marriage. Just now, I realize that the energy and the power we received stands for True Love. It guided us through our darkest and lightest periods of our relation. What I also realize is that from all the problems we had to solve, I’ve learned that whatever happens in your life… and it doesn’t even matter how bad it is… you always get support somehow from the spiritual world… eventually, you always get your feet firmly on the ground. It doesn’t happen by itself though… you have to work very hard to make it happen… and you’ve to devote over 100% of your effort all the time… always!

Life was for Anne Birgit one long rollercoaster ride. Just as unusual life was for her… just as unusual was the period around her death for us… and just as unusual was our bereavement… that is, how it felt for me.

It is said that parents who lose a child are marked for life. That’s true for Mary-Anne and myself, nonetheless different. Isn’t it often said that the loss of a child is not even something you whish to have for your worst enemy? Yes, we agreed with that too… but… on the other hand, the stress levels we had to deal with during the life of our daughter… the angst and the worry that was always there… after her death… that angst and worry… was gone! We didn’t have to survive anymore. Our house became hushed… very silent! And step by step… we got rest in our system… and at the same time… the realization sunk in that our daughter wasn’t there anymore.

With that rest also came unrest again… but this time from a completely different order… the unease to cope with our loss and grief somehow. During Anne Birgit’s life we always had hidden our pain and grief. We had hidden it so deep that we were unable to find and touch it after her death. We understood we had to do something about it… but what, and how… and whom to approach? The family was there too and began to demand attention with as result that nothing came of our mourning… and again… we deeply buried our grief. Yes, burying our grief, we were very good at that… unfortunately.

Slowly but surely our grief began to seep through the cracks from the deepest of our being. And in the period that followed we often went through emotionally deep valleys… and at the same time also over emotionally high peaks because we were together and although we had a deceased daughter we have a healthy son. Too bizarre for words… at the same time to go through emotionally deep valleys and over emotionally high peaks. The result was that our family and the people around us couldn’t see… or didn’t understand… that we went through severe times… so severe that in the end something broke. Mary-Anne, my partner and soulmate, died in 2011 of a broken heart.

Was it so intended or… what if we would have been able to process our grief, under guidance or supervision… would my soulmate then still be alive? A question I’ll probably never get an answer to.

(90) A Decision… That Came Straight To The Point (Part 2)

The decisions I’ve taken during my life…
Have brought me where I am…
Have made me who I am…
Have made me see who I really am!

In my previous blog, I concluded with: “How is it possible that from a clearly stressful situation… discovering an aneurysm in my aorta with everything you can imagine… I’ve obtained internal peace… and arrived at a decision that should it be so in the future that an intervention is necessary… I can just leave the aneurysm for what it is! How do you arrive at such a decision? What steps have been taken? What did I do to get this far? ”

Answering that question is important to me. Because only then my blog will become much more than a description of what had happened to me.

With this contribution I don’t want to pretend that if you would use my approach in a comparable situation, you will achieve a similar result. The processing of grief is different for everyone and is certainly not a process that can be scheduled. With this contribution, however, I want to show you that no matter how dark and how long the tunnel is, eventually you’ll see light again at the end of the tunnel.

In the book “The Jeshua Channelings” by Pamela Kribbe it is stated that the light and the dark, perhaps you prefer to express this in terms of good and bad, are not intended to transform the dark into the light. No, it is the light and the dark, which are each other’s natural counterparts, that transform together to the golden light of the Christ-consciousness. Naive as I am, I assume that every belief system on Earth, albeit using different words, use a similar philosophy.

I personally experienced a transformation to the golden light in June 2016. After a period of consciously and unconsciously working on the processing of my grief and the loss of my deceased wife, I noticed that I’d made a huge U-turn. A U-turn that changed the raw pain of grief and bereavement into the soft pain of sadness. Moreover, I obtained new opportunities on my path-of-life and despite my grief I became a happy person again. In retrospect I can conclude that what I’d achieved then and as I feel today, I couldn’t have guessed in my wildest dreams!

The 90/10 rule exists in psychology, which means that the way we react to events has much more influence than the events themselves. Only 10% of our lives are determined by the things that happen to us. The other 90% is directly related to how we respond to that 10%. When confronted, our reaction determines how we move on in life. It all depends on ourselves.

In my opinion it boils down to the following:

  • Change the way you think. Look at it from the other side. Do not assume that something is not possible, but that it is possible. Restrict yourself to those things that are important; the remaining part usually doesn’t matter at all.
  • Do not postpone what you can do now. When you postpone the threshold you need to take to act becomes higher and higher; often postponement results in tomorrow never comes. And in order to prevent that others will make the decision for you with all possible counterproductive consequences for you, it is better to immediately prepare a decision yourself and to be ready when the moment is there.
  • Do realize that the more insight and knowledge you have into the problem, the better you understand the possible approaches for a solution, the more you will relax and obtain harmony in your head. Uncertainty is “killing!” In other words, the sooner and the faster you assess your options and obtain your answers, the sooner you can relax and will get stillness in your head.

The effect of the above was that immediately after the consult with the surgeon I started in a familiar, systematic and structured way to assess what the consequences could be for my body when an intervention should be required for correcting the aneurysm in my aorta. At the same time, I needed to find out what the risks could be during the operation and what I should decide and arrange prior to the procedure. And more important to me, I needed to find out what the consequences would be for me when such a risk occurred after or long after the operation… and how I would respond to that. And last but certainly not least, what would be the consequences for me and my dear ones when I would decide for the option to do nothing at all.

It all seems so simple, but it certainly is not. While thinking about the (possible) options and the consequences of those options, emotions will release themselves. Your emotions… and those of your dear ones. And precisely those emotions will determine the content of your plans and your decisions… at least that was the case with me.

Then I moved the plans and the results of those plans to my subconscious so that these would be out of the picture for a while. Perhaps I’m privileged because I’ve learned to solve complex problems this way early in my life. I am convinced that your unconsciousness is somehow connected with the universal knowledge within the spiritual world. At some point in time, but always unexpectedly, I received the message that I may come Home soon and that I also can learn the lessons and to complete the tasks for which I’m here as a human being on Earth.

That I’m allowed to come home soon does not mean that I will soon die. On the contrary, I’m enjoying life right now. But I do long to Home… that place where real and genuine Love exists. In a Dutch book “De emotie encyclopedie” (which translates as: “The Emotion Encyclopedia) with as subtitle “gevoelens als navigatiesysteem naar een gelukkig leven” (which translates as: “feelings as a navigation system to a happy life”) writes Vera Helleman that homesickness to Home tells you that you not only long for your home in the spiritual world, but also that your own space is important to you. In fact, it is important that whenever and wherever you are, you can be yourself.

Early in my life I learned that when I made a decision which did not feel right or good, the decision had to be revised! And to avoid that your decisions would be made or forced by others, it is better to prepare decisions immediately and to be ready as soon as the right moment is there.

Yes, I really do know and understand… preparing the plans and the final decision to make may not sound complicated at all… but the emotions that arise during the preparation of those plans make it difficult… and sometimes make it very hard. However, I realize all too well that uncertainty is “killing!” For that reason alone, the fact that I know what I will decide when the moment is there, gives me inner peace and self-confidence.

Once a decision is made by me, I accept the consequences of that decision and… I never look back at how I could have decided differently. Once a decision is made, my reality has changed, and I can never go back in time where afterwards I might have preferred a different decision.

The decisions I’ve taken during my life…
Have brought me where I am…
Have made me who I am…
Have made me see who I really am!

When you end-up in a similar situation then I sincerely do hope that this blog, in the case it was not able help you, at least gave you an idea how you could prepare for your choice or your decision.

(89) A Decision… That Came Straight to The Point (Part 1)

A while ago I wrote several blogs about choices and making choices. Shortly afterwards an aneurysm that was sitting in my aorta was discovered. And again, I was facing some probing questions on my path-of-life. As if it had to happen like that!

For every option of the decision I’ve to make, this time I would love to know everything. Everything that awaits me, including all its details and consequences. At the same time, I realize that’s not going to happen… it’s just not possible. An unknown part will always have an impact one way or the other. An unknown part that might turn out to be very important afterwards.

On the other hand, I made many decisions based on total uncertainty. Decisions, that afterwards turned out to be the correct ones. Then, why shouldn’t I take such a decision from the very beginning? In addition to the choices or decisions I had to make… to say it in extreme words… were not about life and death. This time it is about life and death! And this time it’s also about me! Even more reason to thoroughly consider a decision before the consequences are making themselves felt.

A few months later after several tests had been carried out, the specialist’s advice was crystal clear to me. My aneurysm hadn’t grown, and the specialist clearly showed that he was happy with the outcome. While taking everything into consideration he also advised that should an intervention be needed in the future there was a serious chance that I would lose the functionality of my left arm and may even get a paraplegia. To end up in a wheel chair and possibly losing the function of my left arm is not an option for me and not something I’m waiting for.

At that moment I had arrived at a point where I couldn’t go any further with my reasoning. It became clear to that I needed to play by my hunch. What are my needs and what does that mean for me. It was time for real thinking… well, ‘thinking’… about what I’m going to decide should an intervention be required.

When solving complex problems for which I didn’t have an answer immediately, it was always customary for me to bring the puzzle to background of my mind, the unconscious part of my memory, so that I wasn’t confronted with it daily. Also, this time I brought the puzzle to the background of my mind in full confidence that an answer would be found at some point. And, in my mind it became quiet again.

During a yoga-session, some months later, a message came to me suddenly in my mind. A message that came straight to the point. The message was that I am allowed to come Home soon and that I could learn the lessons and to complete the tasks for which I was here on Earth as a human.

What makes that I’m allowed to come Home soon and that I’m allowed to learn the lessons and complete the tasks for which I’m here as a human on Earth? Doesn’t one option rule out the other… or… does it?

Of course, I would like to go Home soon. Going Home, that is the place where all souls or spirits are. Not only because my two deceased buddies are there, but because I’m homesick. Home, the place where True Love reigns! And yes, at the same time I hope that I can learn the lessons and complete the tasks for which I’m here as a human being on Earth. I’m here for a good reason and those lessons and tasks are important. Which lessons and tasks I don’t know, but deep down I feel an urge to learn these lessons and to complete the tasks. It is what it is. Every thought of doubt and fear disappeared, and at the same time it gave me the assurance that whatever happens, it is meant, and it will be all right.

Together with the message I became aware that in case an intervention is required, I can leave the aneurysm in my aorta for what it is. In the meantime I should get everything out of life that is humanly possible for me. But, wait… I’ve already been telling and writing that for long time. So… do I still not get everything out of life?

For some reason the choice for leaving the aneurysm for what it is, gives rest in my head. For me that’s the indication that the choice that was made was correct. I’ve learned at an early stage that when a choice made doesn’t give rest in my head… then it’s not the right choice.

However, an answer to a for me personally important question remains: ‘how is it possible that I initially came from a clearly stressful situation… to a choice that gives peace in my mind?’ What steps have I taken? What have I done to get this far?

I will continue with answering this question in part 2 of this blog.