(64) Unconditional Acceptance

At first unconditional acceptance is not directed to the other, but to yourself. When you fully trust yourself and accept completely who you are including all your limitations, only then you are able to accept another unconditionally.

Onvoorwaardelijke acceptatie - shutterstock_223911598 - reducedOn the Internet you can find many definitions of acceptance. The definition of acceptance that comes closest to the intention of this month’s blog is, in my opinion, unquestionable.

In our daily practice we often accept events without really thinking about it. For example, the queue at the cash register, or a traffic jam, or a delay in the public transport.

It also happens that we accept under certain conditions. You’ve put your heart into the making of a meal for a special occasion. When buying the necessary ingredients, you may find these not good enough or maybe even too expensive. At that (same) moment you may consider how to prepare that meal in a different way.

We also say that we accept a situation, but in reality we don’t. How often does one hear at funerals people saying to the widow(er) that they will come and see him or her, or that he or she must join them for dinner. The thing is, it hardly happens. In comparison the phrase “a ceiling made from glass” which is in use in companies, I use the phrase “a door made from glass” for people who lost a dear one. People accept that the relation between you and your partner doesn’t exist anymore, and yet… they avoid you.

Unconditional means without conditions or without making demands. Unconditional also means without limitation, or without consideration, or without hesitation. Sometimes it also means blindly, or absolute, or pure.

Acceptance is not simple in itself, but when it is unconditional it becomes very difficult. What about for example “I accept you unconditional!” In other words, “I accept you without hesitation and consideration who you are, what you are, and what you have done and do. It doesn’t matter, I accept you blindly without any limitation… always!”

You might say “Yes, but, experience or history taught…” When you say words like these then at that same moment you don’t accept unconditional.

Maybe you can define unconditional acceptance also as pure love. A form of love that is attributed to the very Highest in believe systems. That doesn’t mean that unconditional acceptance is impossible for us humans… on the contrary. It may not be pure, but some of us come very close. Think for instance at the love of a mother for her child. Or think of the unconditional acceptance of two lovers; lovers who trust each other blindly.

At first unconditional acceptance is not directed to the other, but to yourself. When you fully trust yourself and accept completely who you are including all your limitations, only then you are able to accept another unconditionally. That is quite a bit!

Two lovers who trust each other blindly come, in my opinion, regarding unconditional acceptance a long way. And the deeper their relation becomes the closer those people come to the real meaning of unconditional acceptance of each other. Isn’t that awesome!

However, how awesome this is for these two people, when such a relation is broken for whatever reason, the grief of such a loss is immeasurable. The processing of that grief will take “a while.” It may be even the case that at some point in time others are beginning to wander why the grief has not been processed. But on the other hand those others should also be able to accept that (unconditional).

(3) Somebody I Met

She asked me about my children and my relationship. I told her about the loss of my two buddies. My daughter, when she was 21 years and my wife, my Soul Mate, after 35 years of marriage. She was shocked and she was deeply impressed. She wanted to understand how I dealt with a situation like that.

The restaurant I had chosen for dinner was full. There was a long waiting queue. That’s what you get when you don’t make a reservation. Anyway, there was one seat free at the bar and the waitress suggested to take that one. I was alone and the choice was easily made.

The free seat was sitting between a man and a woman. The man next to me was in a deep business conversation with his partner and nobody seemed to exist around them. The woman next to me turned out to be alone and was in deep thought. Eventually we started to talk. She was traveling on business and she missed her children. She told me that as a result of a car accident she had lost the love of her life years ago. She was still devastated. The relationship lasted about eighteen months. “Only eighteen months” she said.

She asked me about my children and my relationship. I told her about the loss of my two buddies. My daughter, when she was 21 years and my wife, my Soul Mate, after 35 years of marriage. She was shocked and she was deeply impressed. She wanted to understand how I dealt with a situation like that. What had happened to me was so much worse than in her case, she told me. She thought at that moment that she actually had no right to grief because the sadness of another was many times worse than hers.

She lost me for a moment. How can you even think like this? Finally I found the words. Mourning or grief is not a competition! One has not more or less grief than somebody else. It feels how it feels. It doesn’t matter how long it was ago and it doesn’t matter how long the duration of the relation was between them. Her sorrow was just as concrete and just as deep as mine. Who is the person that says there is a difference? There is no difference!

It doesn’t matter. Her sorrow was just as deep as mine. She felt a bit relieved, a bit happier. Her sorrow did not change but, more importantly it helped her to put things in a different perspective, to be able to talk about it and to share.