The raw mourning caused by the loss of your child eventually turns into the gentle pain of grief. The sharp edges go off, but the pain of losing your child never passes!
Estimated reading time: 8 minutes
After the birth of your child, you hear that it has not been given a long life
If, as a parent, you are told at the birth of your child that it is seriously ill and has not been given a long life, then you step into the most intense rollercoaster ride of your life you can imagine. How do you explain to your family, friends and acquaintances what is going on with your new-born? How do you explain what the future holds for your new-born?
And so, it begins
They are not easy conversations with the family! Certainly not when your new-born child looks fantastic despite everything and some family members simply cannot accept that your child is seriously ill. Or because your child has a disease that is genetically linked to one of the family systems … or even both. How do you deal with this within your family? Not to mention the world outside your family. And finally, … how do you deal with it?
How do you continue together when you later discover that the number of friends around you is slowly decreasing? As if they find it difficult or prefer not to be near you anymore. As if you yourselves … you, your partner, and your other children … don’t have a hard enough time. In the end you try to let everything that happens outside your family, slip away from you because your child and family are infinitely more important. But that is easier said than done. It adds an extra dimension to all the problems you already have.
Unconsciously you enter a survival mode
Unconsciously you end up in a survival mode in which you are always fighting for your child to be able to live if possible.
There are times when things are going so great, as if nothing is wrong and your child seems healthy. There are also those moments that are so sad, and your child is so sick that you must rush to the hospital … at that moment you are so afraid that it won’t come home again.
Sometimes those powerful emotional moments come right after each other that you switch in a fleeting moment from joy to fear. Eventually you find repeatedly asking yourself with the thought if this could be your child’s last year?
Maybe by now you have learned not to show your emotions and the pain in you and your family anymore. Because people don’t understand. Or because they think that the pain for themselves or one of their acquaintances is much severe than yours. Or because they ask you the social question “How you are doing?” … but are not interested in your answer at all.
Finally, home Your child can no longer sustain the strength to move on
And then it comes, always unexpectedly, that inevitable moment when your child shows that no matter how much it wants … how much it loves you … it can no longer muster the strength to move on with life … no longer wants to live … and decides that this is enough … it wants to go Home. How can you, as a parent, finally have the courage to give your child permission to go Home … no matter how hard that may be for you? Nights will be long and sleepless for you … if that wasn’t the case already.
The run-up to death
Eventually come those in and in sad moments where you can consciously experience the run-up to the death of your child. During those days you can only be there for your child, while you would still like to give your child so much. You would like to continue to fight for your child. You would so much like to switch with your child.
However, at a certain point, usually unexpectedly, it becomes quiet around you. Your world seems to tip over and slowly comes to a standstill. It feels like a moment of intense peace. It is the moment when you give your child with all the Love you have, permission to go Home. And you realise that everything has been said between you in Love and Light.
As soon as you have given your permission, slowly, very slowly your world begins to turn again. You begin to hear all the sounds around you again. It is also a moment when you feel a deep inner peace and realise that it is good … as if it should have been like this!
From the birth of your child until the day you allowed your child to go Home, you were in survival mode, maybe for years. No matter how lovingly you were able and allowed to go with and support your child all those years, you were always alert to whether your child was doing well. You yourself probably would have often ignored yourself, after all, your child’s health was to you much more important. The consequence of this can be that during all those years you have pushed your feelings away … which is a thing you can do easily by now.
It became silent at home now that your child is no longer with you. Yes, your partner and your other children are (perhaps) still there, but the child you gave all your attention to is no longer there anymore. The absence is missed by all and with you the most.
On the other hand, perhaps you or your family are happy that your child is at Home; simply because your child had a hard life and finally lost that sick body. It is the beginning of a period in which slowly but surely the “natural order” in and around the family is or can be restored. In my experience this process takes almost as long as your child has lived. In my opinion, your emotions also run much flatter after the death of your child, because you dealt year by year with the thought that your child would die rather sooner than later, than when your child would have suddenly died in a tragic accident.
Suddenly you run into limits again
And suddenly you run into a line again. Most people in your life are not used to the fact that the mourning after your child’s death can be long. Certainly not in today’s times where everything must happen faster and faster. Likewise, these people are not used to learning that coping with your loss and grief in your case can take quite a long time. Then at some point you get reactions like: “Gee, your child died years ago. Haven’t you got over that yet?” Reactions that cut through your soul at such a moment because it still hurts so much for you. There is no point in explaining this to the other person, he just doesn’t understand it; you had had that experience long before. The result is that almost at once … you switch back into your survival mode again … you have become incredibly good at it by now.
But do realise
But do realise that it is good for you to learn how to deal with your grief and loss. Realise that you can’t always do it on your own in this case. Also realise that you cannot always seek support for this from your partner. After all, your partner also must learn to deal with the same loss. The longer it takes, the better it is for you to seek help from a professional practitioner with a lot of empathy and experience for your situation.
With reliable professional training for counselling in the field of grief and mourning, the requirement is that a counsellor, can counsel a client as far as the counsellor him- or herself is capable with dealing him or her own loss. A great deal of time is spent on this during such a training programme. In short, you could also opt for a programme in which you are certified as a mourning counsellor as a bonus. You will never receive the certificate of such a programme as a gift. You must work very hard for it. Besides, you must work very hard anyway, because learning to cope with loss is very hard and difficult work. Perhaps this is a wonderful new challenge for you, because the loss of your child allows you to find a new destination in life.
On the other hand, if you are looking for a grief counsellor to teach you how to deal with your loss and grief, make sure that this counsellor has experience and knows very well the limits of his or her own loss.
And now a final comment
In this contribution I use the words learning to cope with your loss and mourning. It is my experience that the raw mourning caused by the loss of your child eventually turns into the gentle pain of grief. The sharp edges go off. But the pain of losing your child never passes!
Paradoxical as it is … despite all that sadness … all that pain … and all that loss … in hindsight I would not have missed a day of it. It is what it is … and that is not always easy.
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People generally avoid loss and mourning. One does not always know how to react, what to say to a grieving person. From subjects like loss, mourning or death, one becomes sad, gloomy, quiet. But why shouldn’t you be allowed or able to celebrate that the other person, your deceased loved one … that that special other person has somehow accomplished the tasks in life and is allowed to go home. Why shouldn’t you be allowed to celebrate that? Laugh with all your heart and soul, despite your mourning!
Recently, after a conversation with a friend, I noticed that I had been laughing with her. That laugh came deep inside … from my core … my soul.
Hours later it dawned on me that since the death of my daughter Anne Birgit, now more than 20 years ago, I had seldom done this! And because of the death of my wife Mary-Anne, already 10 years ago, I was not aware of how I really felt … how I was in life. Even though in those years I worked on myself … alone … or with others. Still, in those years I was able to enjoy life … have fun in life. But despite all that … or perhaps because of all that … that awareness that I had estimated from the laughter … felt to me like a thunderclap in clear heaven.
An ambivalent feeling
That awareness of that laughter deep from my heart gave me an ambivalent feeling. On the one hand it tasted like more … I wanted to be able to laugh more often with all my feelings. But on the other hand, why hadn’t I discovered this in myself sooner … hadn’t I become aware of it sooner?
Yes, I had often laughed and had fun after the great loss of both my soul mates … but somehow it wasn’t real … it didn’t sound real … as if something was missing … something deep inside.
And then all of a sudden … all of a sudden you come across statements by “verken je geest” on Facebook, translated from the Dutch language, like “It’s striking that a smile can have two different meanings … you can use it to show how good you feel … and … to hide how bad you feel”. Or a statement like “The people who laugh the most are the people who have suffered the most”. Yeah, I came across those statements suddenly after I realized that I had been laughing from all of my heart. Or did I not notice such statements earlier? I don’t know.
Light and Love
I want to heal myself and/or be healed so that after all the loss and sorrow that I have experienced so far, I can … really laugh with pleasure … really enjoy life … and really trust myself … love and light in my life are central again. But then I must go inside, to my feelings, to my heart … to my soul? Do I dare to do that? Will I succeed … or … With the help of others, professional experts in experience, it should certainly be possible.
At the same time with that insight I feel a deep peace coming in … as if I finally dare to make the leap to that part of the path that is full of obstacles. Or as Frank A. Clark describes it: “If you find a path without obstacles, it probably leads nowhere.
Dare to take that path … that path with its many obstacles and let yourself be surprised by the wonderful encounters and lessons you can learn there. Continue to cherish that path with Love and Light. Show what a wonderful person that other person was … that loved one you have lost. At the same time, show what a wonderful person you are and that despite your loss and mourning, you may shine in the Light and Love of Life. Celebrate that and Laugh with all your Heart and Soul, despite your mourning!
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The story starts with the only time I can consciously remember seeing my father. It ends with the enormous loss during the upbringing of my son. Yes Dad, I missed you so much … afterwards.
As a 3-year-old, I can still remember very well the image of my father about which the story in this blog is about. There are other images, but … these have been photos that have gradually disappeared over the years due to the many removals. That one image, 70 years ago now, which this blog is about, is still crystal-clear to me. However, it seems as if I am now looking through a magnifying glass. I see my father’s face in every detail. The rest of the space he is in, is blurred.
As I now remember it
As a 3-year-old, I see myself on my knees in the hallway of my grandparents’ house and play with my grandfathers’s blue-grey wooden toolbox. I finally got the lid open and nothing was in the box. From the noises behind me I could hear that my grandmother was busy in the kitchen. Furthermore the house was quiet, very quiet and … the way I now experience it again and letting the feeling of that moment come to me … the house feels as if it waited for something … as if something very intense … something very important was about to happen.
Then the front door opens, and my mother comes in. As soon as she sees me, there is a big smile on her face, and I am glad to see her again. She asks if I will go with her to my Father. Of course, I want to. She picks me up and carries me upstairs to the room where my Father is resting. It is the room I am never allowed to enter. He has tuberculosis and everyone is so terrified that he could infect me that I was certainly not allowed to go to him.
My Father has just woken up and while my Mother is sitting with me on her lap on the floor, away from the bed, he is turning on his side. When he sees me, a radiant smile appears on his face. His eyes are shining all over, he is so happy. So much energy and love he radiates to me. It is a contact from eye to eye … from soul to soul … short and intense. It feels like a farewell … as if he knows he will never see me again.
My mother lifted me up again and we went back downstairs. It was far too short. I wanted to go back to him, but it was not allowed. They were so afraid that I would also be infected with TB. That just wasn’t goingto happen.
Years later I heard from my Mother that my Father had died a few weeks later. My Mother and Grandparents never really wanted to talk about my Father; that’s how it felt with me. Only many years later during the upbringing of Mervyn, my son, I started to miss my Father enormously. I would have liked so much to talk to him about raising a son. How would he have raised me and what would he have run into? What else would he have wanted to do differently afterwards? So that I wouldn’t have had to raise my Son with “trial and error”. As a father to my son, the number of failures is in stark contrast to the bits that succeeded. Unfortunately, my Father was not allowed to experience my upbringing and that of his grandchild. Dad, I missed you so much!
What I became aware of again
What I realised again while writing this blog is that memory is a fantastic tool. You can’t retrieve everything from your memory just like that. It usually requires triggers, such as a smell, a colour, a sound, an image, or an emotion. One of the triggers with me was a journey through my soul where you go back to your past under hypnosis. Another trigger recently was during a training about loss and mourning in young people. What I now also realise … realise again … is that the consequences of loss and mourning can surface again (many) years later. Time does not heal all wounds, there will always be scars left. It is what it is.
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Let your voice be heard is a contribution by Josefina Castañeda and is about a father’s message to his daughters. A message in which he says that it is important for them to make their voices heard. To all those it is also a message who, despite all the bumps, all the negative signals, attitudes, fears, and emotions that prevent them from being free and being who they are at their core. It is also the message to let Your Soul through Your Voice be heard by whoever wants to listen to it. It is also the time, despite the many tears of unnecessary suffering that we sometimes have to endure, an ordeal that is there because of others and that others have to endure, but that can also be resolved when the Soul has touched to see You, to hear You … to grow into who we want to be … like a beautiful butterfly that is allowed to show itself after a struggle of transformation and to be who it is because it is meant to be and not otherwise. Let YOU see and let YOU hear your Voice because YOU are important! And now follows the in my opinion fantastic contribution of Josefina:
“Let your voice be heard: A father’s message to his daughters
What a wealth we own when we look at what is happening in the world now, silently but above all in word, writing and voice.
Everyone’s voice is worth Gold and has a right to exist, but this Voice is often taken away from us or forbidden to be used. In Silence we say a lot, in Silence we think a lot, in you know a lot, in Silence you do a lot but the Power is in Your Voice, in Your Unique Voice because that is what you are talking about. You are blessed if you can talk, if you can talk freely and then why does it happen that this doesn’t or can’t happen?
You always have the rules, the habits, the culture and all kinds of other excuses I would almost say because who are you to silence me, who are you to tell me who I can be, who are you to make me believe that I have no right to speak, no right be who I am because I want to be like that or to express my opinion because it was given to me from the source of love, the Voice of God, the Voice of Justice!
There are all kinds of situations in which you know how to use your Voice, these are unwritten rules that we all know very well inside out, but we are made like this by all kinds of circumstances, shaped according to the circumstances at that moment you carry out from your own Can, Know and Trust to shape that part by using your Voice, as a baby, as a toddler, as a teenager, as an adolescent, as a young adult, as an adult, As an older adult and later when you are nearing the end of your Life, you hope that your Voice has contributed to the generations after you to pass on that piece of Law, Human Rights because it gives you freedom, understanding and above all, unconditional Love to be able to close your eyes and grow in your Way.
How to continue? The further on if you don’t have this Right, if you don’t have the Freedom to say what you want to say from your Heart where you Soul always shows you little by little where your Voice is, how to allow it into Silence to experience little by little the confidence to actually stand for who YOU are, to let your Voice be heard because it is Unique and may be made recognisable without any form of sabotage.
Why do you sometimes sabotage yourself when there is a form of freedom to express your opinion? What then prevents you from carrying out this action in an unforced setting that nevertheless brings about a forced action in which you hold yourself prisoner, lock yourself up, enter into conversation in Silence and finally decide to say Nothing. Is that the truth, your truth that is playing with you, with your thoughts, to let it happen in silence.
Out of fear we say a lot, out of fear we say little or nothing. Everything can be nothing in Silence in the Truth that is enclosed in a moment of hesitation, of doubt, of failure, of not being enough who you are.
What is the point of this when you consider that you were born with your Unique Beautiful Voice, which you were allowed to express as you wished from childhood onwards, but which was taken away by circumstances or gradually formed into a form that did not suit you, but eventually became your safe haven because in Silence you could express yourself better.
I do know that I have very often had to defend myself against words from Fear, words Contempt, from Condemnation, from Jealousy, from Grief, from Faith, from Ignorance, from Cultural DNA, from Ignoring, from Not Being Welcome, from Actions that all stem from the above situations that were so distressing and still are today, that my Soul broke when I was treated as Nothing, as Not Knowing, but my Soul gave me the strength to live up to my values by sometimes observing at appropriate times in Silence, saying everything in Silence and accepting in Silence thinking that it will pass, that it is a form of expression that we all have in us, but by circumstances one will use it and abuse it for one’s own good.
The message: Visualise clearly the life you want. Feel it in your Heart and Soul and you will get it.
Despite all the bumps, all the negative signals and attitudes that have hindered me in my freedom to be who I was, I have always imagined that deep within my Soul it was always Pure and Vibrant to show my Path of Life in the encounters and conversations I had, in the actions I did, in the actions I took. In the ESSENCE who I was did not change from within, from within my Soul.
I was infinitely Free, infinitely Pure, and infinitely Rich.
Those who truly saw me gave me courage, gave me positive Hope, gave me the Strength and unconditional Love to go on, to grow as it was meant to be. You form a shield around you, as a protection, that you are not so touched in your Soul because that piece is Your Voice and it will always whisper the right words to you and guide you into the good that you are inside, think and want to show.
Your eyes say a lot without saying anything, your ears hear a lot without sound or being spoken, your Voice says a lot without saying anything, your Body says everything formed with your unique code, your DNA of which you only have the Key to share that Piece of Freedom in your own way and just be.
Know that I am there, know that I see you, know that I feel you in your lonely struggle, in your Silence, in your Solitude to give you the Voice you need to be who you are. You are my daughters and I am so grateful that you wanted to be my daughters, and I save you from the fear, the Voice of Darkness, to let your own Voice speak, to be heard in a way that suits you.
Know that even in my life I have often had to keep my mouth shut and often got very angry with myself when I denied myself to others because this is your right, your birth right to be who you are and with who you are, you should always treat that other in a Respectful, Loving and Honourable way.
The DNA that Fear, failure, dictator Fear and all sorts of other Fears that made me stiffened at that moment, but I have never felt less than anyone else because I held on to my own truth inside, hidden deep within my Soul and gave me the strength to move on. From a very early age I was mistaken for less, for much less as nothing and that made me think I was who I was. I have never denied my origins and have held on to the stories, to the feeling from my Heart, from my Soul, just to be who I was, because I could do it best in spite of the tears, the sadness, the unnecessary pain and the inhuman treatment of some, I have been able to hold my own through the right people around me Love, To give Attention and Respect and to share Fear in a form of Trust, Knowing and Hope that the other person would reach out his hands when I needed them and that was, of course, a mutual event, a matter of course, which I see in you and which I find so special that I feel it with tears just like you, my darling.
Know that I am there for you, 24/7 and know that you also own that spot and know that you Soul wants to pass on the messages needed in the NOW for later. Later is NOW, don’t forget that!
Never forget who you are, where you come from and in all the bumps there is a gift hidden in the end that you may unwrap if time permits, but also remember that YOU have the right to be who you are, what you have to tell and how you want to do this in all modesty, and do not let it be brought to you that Your View is not worth naming, and that Your View does not count, for that is the essence of Being, the essence of who you were, are and want to be.
Your View lets you grow, blossom, see, forgive, and so much more that it enriches your Voice, lets you marvel, admire and breathe in my Being to find your own way day in, day out.
Your Voice is the part of your Soul which expresses itself in this way next to your intuition and feeling to walk your path of life, next to another sometimes, sometimes alone, sometimes behind another and sometimes in front of another to show the way or gather courage to assist that other on his or her path for protection, from passion, from question or from love.
Know that there have always been transformations going on during the Time, going on and still to come to let Your Voice be heard in that One Moment which makes you realize what you are capable of when that One Moment presents itself.
It is Time to show, let Your Voice be heard and felt in order to actually let go of acceptance, connection, and Fear in which the Being may live, may steer in all the simplicity of existence.
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A note in advance. The original language for this blog is the Dutch language. The Dutch word “narcisme” translates as narcissism which as a word alone sounds vehemently and, it is. When you divide “narcisme” in two parts like “Narcis-Me” then the first part “Narcis” translates as Daffodil, the beautiful flower. The second part “Me” is like its English version. For the translation into English I decided to use “Narcis-Me” as much as possible. When you, the Reader, see a better way to phrase this in English I’m always open to suggestions. You can find the Dutch version of the blog here. The first part of this blog explains the theme “Narcis-Me” to the reader.
Dealing with narcissism leads to difficult choices. Think in Black and White or at least in colours! This blog approaches narcissism in a distinct way. The blog consists of several parts, each of which can be accessed separately via one of the links below.
After a special exchange of words, I was asked to write about this topic. I had already had a few days I couldn’t commit myself to it because the theme sounds quite vehement as a word alone. That makes it quite difficult to put down on paper what this means. This word refers to people who, just like you and me, have come into the world as a sweet little soul, uninhibited, open and innocent looking at the big world around them to find his or her way and develop themselves into what it has come for.
How is it possible, then, if you look at the word that makes it so complex? In my mind kept coming up, imagine if you were going to dissect this word, what does it say? “Narcis-Me.“ What does that do to you?
From Innocence to Knocked Out Self-esteem
What comes up first is the word “Narcis” (i.e. Daffodil, the Narcissist part), the beautiful flower in all its glory in different sizes and colours, but next to it I see the word “Me”, which of course stands for the word “I”. ”
They both represent nature, which is within us, which is around us and which provides us with nourishment, love, trust, freedom, togetherness and so much more to grow into that beautiful Narcis (i.e. Daffodil), uninhibited, in innocence to the gathering of your name, your identity, Your Being.
A child’s innocence lies in not yet having knowledge, not yet having an identity that will only be given later. A child lives from his feelings and just knows. What we can enjoy with children is also one of the first things we strip away. Where there is trust and unconditional love it makes room for mistrust and insecurities.
Gradually you see that what you have amassed is not everything that you really are, what you Soul tells you, as this is just your packaging, and that that beautiful coloured gift paper that you have been given or that you have achieved changes into a form, in a way that is very far away from that nature, from that narcissist and here the word is merged into one word Narcissism; which in the end belongs to a very different order than the beautiful Narcis (i.e. Daffodil) that everyone wants to become and be, together with the freedom to be yourself.
Through all kinds of circumstances, the nature within you is disturbed by events that have damaged your self-confidence, by imposed behaviour, by feeling trapped in another being, by abuse of trust, by feeding fears, but also by not looking inside you anymore, by not having to feel your Heart anymore, by not having to listen to your Soul anymore, by losing your ¨Me¨ the Narcis (i.e. Daffodil, the Narcissist part) is nourished leaving only space to show the outside that has been learned from survival by a defensive tactic. This exterior looks very social, helpful, understanding, caring and above all very charming in empathy which fools the other person into believing that they have a high level of self-confidence and are convinced that they are enormously important.
Deep inside, they are constantly looking for confirmation of that feeling, a feeling of broken self-esteem. It seems as if they have a high self-confidence, but often that self-confidence is particularly vulnerable. It is a persistent behaviour that cannot be changed just like that.
From integrity to use an other effortless
A second word that comes up is the word “Integrity.”
Be flexible but also true to yourself. If you stay true to your beliefs and values, others will support you and believe in you.
How is it possible that this word, which is very noble and often seen as a distinctiveness by people who admire others who, on the contrary, have integrity? However, in the case of the word ‘Narcissism’, it has a completely different meaning. We soon think they are selfish; they only think of themselves; they often need a lot of attention & admiration to find themselves worthwhile. They feel that they are more entitled to this attention & admiration because of their uniqueness and certain privileges they only deserve that others don’t have. They usually feel elevated above others and some of them will “use” another effortlessly when they can improve themselves.
Are you born or made like a narcissist?
The following question arouses my curiosity: Are you born or made like a narcissist?
A very difficult and complex question, where on the one hand the thought emerges; if we believe in the innocence and open-mindedness of a soul that on Mother Earth itself has chosen to be born to these parents, in this particular place with a final destination determined far back in Time, and on the other hand the thought; the very place where you are born, the very place you are born to, with this final destination in it, a form that has already been cast by the Way this soul wanted and wants to walk. Is this behaviour part of it, is this the blueprint he or she has been given, or has it been developed by the circumstances that led the Way to believe, where your cradle stands, with whom you have chosen to develop into that beautiful Soul, that beautiful Narcis (i.e. Daffodil), that beautiful ME, that makes you shine and shows your final destination that you had in mind. Is something triggered just like other diseases that develop through sadness, fear, or heredity?
A very double feeling, because if the Narcissist was born that way, or is made that way, what about the other one, who as it were burns down your name, your identity, your Soul like a house, YOUR SHELL that gave you security, your trust, your own value. Is this also found by this innocent, uninhibited soul to have to walk this path.
I have not yet figured it out, because the path we are supposed to take is only YOUR PATH, but at the end of the day we need the other one to be allowed to take this path and the nature of this path, the shape of this path, is YOU at the end of the day!
A feeling of emptiness
I feel a feeling of EMPTINESS in both the Narcist who tries to fill in this EMPTINESS by seeing the other as His Nutrition, as His Love, as His Own Love, as His Nurture that was missing or missing in his eyes. For there are also theories that a narcissist can also be formed by a loving family, by having received that very attention and admiration. That piece of safety, security and trust that makes his Heart bleed and his Soul dance. He is surviving and the vulnerable in society do not survive just by saying ‘yes’ and ‘amen’, just by adapting to the other, by completely eliminating yourself from nobility, from politeness, from how it should be, they are levelled down, they are mowed away and are not seen, not heard.
This EMPTINESS that is as it were nourished & filled in one person, is getting bigger and bigger in the other, because it is just NOT seen, heard, seen as strong, is not seen as a person, but as PREY and as it goes in nature, the vulnerable are eaten and the strongest survive. THE CIRCLE OF LIFE!
How can it happen that you allow this to happen?
How can it happen that you allow this to happen? You are always a Strong person, you are there for everyone, you know what to do, you stand your ground, you are happy with your life you have achieved and you have confidence in yourself.
Surely it is predestined that you, as a Soul, should or should have to go through this in order to finally see the Way, follow it and only then can the message be received clearly and unequivocally as a gift in this coloured piece of paper that dances around you like a Rainbow and the NARCIS in you does not receive the right nourishment, love, attention to die, is that the intention?
A path of change
Hopefully there will come a point of reflection, of insight from your deepest I, which was very well hidden because it was afraid, insecure, anxious to show itself, but by admitting this Soul again step by step, listening in Silence to this Voice, to your own deepest desire in all innocence there will be a change.
There is only one way to achieve this wonderful experience and that is by letting go of everything that has been given to you, throwing it away, throwing this I away and making room for that Soul who is waiting for your warm hands, for your beautiful Voice to take her to a safe & confidential place, where she can express herself, where she can be herself, where she can show herself, where she can make herself heard as it is meant to be.
Your name, your identity, the knowledge you have gradually acquired is hidden under a layer of thick dust, which only you are allowed to dust and reveal because it is TIME to show this to Mother Earth, to this OTHER, that you are no longer imprisoned, that you do not have a “LIFE SENTENCE” and that you have never been so strong to take this step.
Take everything away and innocence will remain. Knowledge turns into wisdom and suspicion into innocence. And to live in innocence is to see and experience the miracle of life as it is meant to be.
In silence first, then in the voice that you want to be heard and shown so that your Soul may support you, take you along on this Way, on this ROUTE de Soleil (the name of an express way in France from Paris to Marseille) where there are an incredible number of Narcissen (i.e. Daffodils) in all shapes and sizes, in all colour and splendour with their head raised towards the Sun.
ME is the magic word you see in every flower.
They are shining, they are laughing, and they see your Soul dancing on this field of Narcissen (i.e. Daffodils) without packaging, without decoration, just as it was meant to be.
And … what do you think, do you think there are also Narcissists on this field of countless narcissen (i.e. Daffodils) of unbelievable joy, of Unique Pieces, of Countless Seeds, of Unconditional Love, of immeasurable Energy that incites the other to turn that one button and just go for yourself, your BEAUTIFUL SELF named “ME”.
Never apologise for who you are and what you stand for.
It is up to the other to respect your individuality.
Below I have added two beautiful poems, which I came across to make these words speak extra to your Heart and Soul. I hope the English translation catches the soul and emotions of the original Dutch versions.
Piece by piece I hand in do more and more often something against me I boost myself do not want to burden others I do not want to do anything that can affect another person
for a while it seems to be going well yet I can’t keep up because not be able being myself takes a hefty toll the built up tension I no longer get digested I lost myself and get blocked
I thought doing the right thing but for me it was so bad now I am completely exhausted by this inner struggle
the tension disappears tears run down my cheeks this won’t happen to me anymore I now give in to my desire
I allow myself to be tired not wanting or being able to take the necessary rest to allow myself something
this gives me energy again and become at my best only when I’m there for myself can I also be there for the rest
You get a new idea like a soft whisper in your heart. Listen and do something. This is inspiration from above.
In Silence, the Heart whispers to you something you could do to take the first step towards a New “Me” after all the misery, after all the humiliation, after all the immense sorrow, after all the loss of your own value, after all the loss of your Soul & Heart, after all the disbelief, after all the words of Soul Pain & Heart pain that you carry with you in every step, in every thought, in every word, in every action, in every gesture to serve the other until the Soul Pain and Heart Pain becomes unbearable and your own Soul is as it were shrivelled by another Soul that made you constantly believe, see, feel, that you were the evildoer, that you brought out the worst, that you were the trigger in his Soul and Heart to project all the suffering onto you.
But if we look at the Soul detached from the whole as a human being, we see precisely that Love, unconditional Love that each one of us wants and wants to express because that is the purpose of existence. Love is the beginning and the end, but how this Love is interpreted is a different story. This is a book that each one of us writes, through the chapters that take place in your head, in your body and in your mind, there are many twists and turns that trigger you and that incite you to revenge, to hate, to jealousy, to envy and even to the destruction of Love in yourself and the other.
What turns out to be the answer to this trigger, to this introverted Soul that is so much pain, so much suffering, so much misery, so much disappointment, so much failure, so much neglect, so much sadness in his or her eyes that in the end you only go down the path of anger, sees evil and destruction and occasionally shows you the other side, but by a wrong word, by a wrong action, by a wrong moment, by a wrong something in the eyes of the Narcis(sist) the trigger is touched again in the ego of the human being, where the Soul can’t go any more than the wrong or bad side.
Sadness, pain and even regret are words that the Narcis(sist) uses after all the misery, pain, grief is projected after a moment of self-reflection, insight.
However, this little gesture to the other person MUST be on his or her way and WHEN he or she wants to despite the pain and sorrow that has accumulated in your Heart & Soul and no place left to receive this LOVE because you are numb and see no exit in this dark long tunnel of tears that can no longer flow because you have let so many tears flow that this river of tears with all the rubble, with all the crumbled stones of your foundation, of all the dust, of all the cement that is already crumbling, does not see a ray of hope because this is now being offered by the person who brought you here, who has brought tears to this river and has not stopped his or her way of acting.
This river overflows, flows over its banks and covers the ground, the grass and the flowers with all this rubble, with all this filth that destroys even more in the nature of the people around you, your family, your children, your parents, and you name it to those who see you, who hear you, who want to help you in this whirlpool of destruction.
How to act in a Jekyll and Hyde situation, where you only know how the other person can be, how loving, how needy to you and only you, how sadly his or her story in the Book of Life has shared and still does in scarce moments that are vulnerable and give you the feeling that he or she is HUMAN, yet has a HEART and reveals his or her Soul.
A projection of their own LOVE, of the piece of “ME,” which they need because they have always missed it and at times think back to moments when they reacted so angry and angry and realise that they don’t want to be like that at all, A BOOS HUMAN, no they want to be A LOVE HUMAN with all his quirks and whims and loved, heard, cherished, valued and these are the elements that keep coming back from manipulation the feeling that is triggered by whatever in the eyes of this Narcis(sist) in which the other person gets all the blame and all the rubble at her feet and that he or she has to clean up and think why he or she said that, did not say, did not do or did not do anything and, above all, come up with arguments as to why this is happening again after ‘all the lessons’ he or she has shown, all the rubble, the whole life of him or her and those of you and loved ones carries on his or her shoulders, only he or she knows how to act, when and how, and, above all, if he or she does not say so, or does everything like a house of cards col lapses.
It is thanks to him or her that everything runs the way it does, that he or she has to do everything alone, gets no help, only negative energy and that when she gives LOVE, he or she only gets a saggy gesture or word or even nothing in return while he or she does everything and more to keep everything running and that the other person is nothing without him or her .
The INSPIRATION: you get an idea like a soft whisper in your heart. Listen and do something. This is inspiration from above.
This soft whispering is your Soul constantly whispering to you, letting you see, letting you hear, taking you where you need to be, but we are not always alert, or so paralysed that we no longer have room to allow your Soul in your Heart and in Silence to listen to your own insight, your own Soul Message.
There is a lot of Souls’ Pain so you don’t know what to do to heal it because there is so much piece that you don’t know where to start by picking up the stitches again and sewing them properly so that they become one again. It is a patchwork cloth full of holes and rough edges that need to be hemmed, the holes filled or sealed together by your LOVE GUIDE, but it is finished. You don’t let the words touch you in a way that makes you precisely use this patchwork as a shield against all the violence inflicted upon your Soul and Heart.
Now it is TIME to carefully remove this patchwork so that you have space to fill the holes in your Heart and Soul with unconditional Love Glue, which you can and may create yourself again just by allowing this gentle whisper, step by step and little by little, making the patchwork beautiful again into a whole that will later embrace, warm and protect you in a way that you have always wished-for.
This patchwork stands for your Power, for your Own Love, for your Activity, for your Courage, for your Steps of Inspiration so that the soft whisper may be heard, shared as a new chapter in your STORY OF LIFE.
Your story of life, needs you to make your Soul dance again, to make your Soul whisper as it should so that you can and may fill your own holes with LOVE, with unconditional LOVE that keeps everything in place and is the cement for a new foundation in your house, in your HOME.
This foundation is you, as if you have moved house and are allowed to clean everything yourself, arrange it, see it as you like in all the colours and scents that your Personal Touch gives you, in which you SEEELY will make this house feel like HOME.
We sometimes walk the way of life in a very peculiar way and this way of life has many side-paths and curves and even ravines, however, this way of life also has many paths that take you there in new encounters, in angels who are disguised, who help you as long as you keep listening to your own whispering of your Soul.
Be brave and courageous but open in vulnerability so that in all Silence you may listen to your own gentle whisper and shout it out, LIVE and GENIET as you wish.
You alone have been given the TOOLS of LIFE to fill in your UNIQUE LIFE as you wish in all simplicity, in all luxury. Never forget that you are alone even if it feels like it. Your Soul is always there, it always listens, will always help, and carry you wherever you are and whatever situation you are in.
Your Soul doesn’t judge, doesn’t condemn, just wants to show you the way you as a UNIQUE HUMAN on MOTHER EARTH with all its bumps, side paths, curves and unique encounters that make your life even more special where Serenity, Purity, Honesty, Security and Safety may live alongside Grief, Pain, Fear, Disappointment, hand in hand.
Hand in Hand we walk the way of LIVING in a way that fits in the NOW, is given and in the end this way will show you the Way you may and can walk in all the Love that is there.
Choose for yourself, choose Love, choose Unconditional Love, choose beauty, choose positivity, choose Self-worth, choose Together, choose Oneness, choose Authenticity, choose your OWN ROAD despite the bumps, but these are yours, only yours, cherish these and be thankful for everything that happens on this path of LIFE and go on, grow and blossom like that beautiful NARCIS (i.e. Daffodil) and show ME where you are, with who you are in all the purity and beauty that YOU BE!
In the end the other, the Narcis(sist), will hopefully open their eyes after you have made this choice and hopefully that on his or her way of life someone will meet who is the right piece of the puzzle that fits exactly on the void, on the holes in the Soul so that the soft whisper can also be heard.
We all need this precisely tailored piece to be who we can be, from the Source of Love, from the Way of Life that can only be walked by you.
Forgive yourself, forgive the other and fill the void, the holes with Unconditional Love Glue and let the Love Doctor help you by giving you the right recipe, the right plaster or the right treatment so that despite the cracks of Life, it can be ironed with a golden pencil to make it shine, shine, shine because that is YOUR LIGHT that will always accompany you, always assist you, always carry you, carry you where you are and with who you are.
Show that golden line and be proud of this golden glow that frames your Soul and makes it shine like those warm rays of the sun that also shine behind the dark clouds, only for you if you look with the eyes of this Soul and allow it to reach your Heart so that the golden glow will warm, embrace and always protect you from evil, from the unwanted, from fears or disappointments because this is your Source where your Strength is, where your Vulnerability is and where your Courage is hiding to act when needed.
So, don’t be afraid, because you are never alone! Your Soul is always there and so is that place. This is only yours and only you know how to find it!
Go in search, go on a voyage of discovery and listen to the soft whispering of your Soul so that all the steps you are about to take may be taken together, will be Protected and surrounded by a golden edge so that when you are back in that dark tunnel, there will always be Light to walk your own path of Life and will give you Strength and Decisiveness to just walk on until the end of the tunnel where a warm ray of sunshine will warm and embrace you in all the simplicity and purity that nature has to offer and that is within you.
Take the time to reflect on what you have achieved so far. It is often easy to forget where you started and how far you have come. Recognize the special journey your life is and be thankful for it.
In an ideal world this might be the ultimate to experience, but over time this feeling as basic as possible is sometimes impossible, sometimes unthinkable in the eyes of Black and White thinking.
The theme Black-White thinking is the continuation of the section Inspiration, as we may be the first to be inspired, be inspired by Nature to walk your own path with all its Black-White Bumps in the good sense of the word.
Black-White thinking is given to us, is imposed on us, is made our own in a situation when the Narcis(sist) make the other person believe that there is only Black-White and that there are no other shades of colour that make life, but above all it makes us more pleasant, more beautiful and so much more colourful.
Black and White White objects are always colder than black objects. How is this possible? It is because white objects reflect all the light. They do not absorb anything. Black objects absorb all the light. As a result, these objects warm up quickly.
Would it be so if you simply look at this reasoning, that like with a Narcis(sist) it is usually about the dark side, emphasising the negative and especially the thoughts are fed from distrust – Black is the main colour and with the one who undergoes it the White prevails. The White reflects the Light that is in the other person to try to understand that other person, even to try to change it in order to get rid of it, even to the extreme to let the White reflect on the Narcis(sist) so that it will be fed by what is there .
As indicated, the Narcissus(t) would absorb everything , all impressions, all emotions, all feelings, all behaviours, everything that is happening around them and has taken place would show itself in the Black while the other one has always seen and still sees the White, the Light in this darkness, in this dark tunnel.
When the Black-White thinking also takes over from the other, the Narcis(sist) will be nourished and get it right on its side, so that the Black will increasingly be the colour in which it is lived, shared and experienced.
The cloudiness, the mix of these two colours gives the colour grey, which is significant in the existence of the other, next to the Narcis(sist) as the colour grey has already become “the normal” Black and White, making the Way of Life completely colourless .
While White is seen as the colour of innocence, purity, and peace. The colour has particularly positive associations such as purity, virginity, simplicity, stillness, calm, cleanliness, and clarity. White stimulates tidiness, symbolises a new beginning and purity.
While Black is associated with strength, elegance, formality, death, evil and mystery. Black is a mysterious colour associated with fear and the unknown. It usually has a negative effect. Black shows strength and authority.
The mix of Black-White turns grey; Grey has something contradictory: it is the colour of the variable (fog, smoke, and clouds) but it is also associated with the imperishable and stands for stability, elegance and security. People with a penchant for grey often have an individual attitude.
The Narcis(sist) thinks to believe in nothing but Black /White because of his fear and the unknown Black is present however by using his charm offensive , in silence & calmness after being evil the colour White is seen because the colour Grey in these two phases has in fact initiated the changeable behaviour, so that the other has absorbed all the evil, all the fear, all the unknown and all the mystery and is not taken in thanks if you do not join in on His or Her wave of Serenity, Pureness and Peace in the eyes of the Narcis(sist).
Does this only play with this theme of Narcissus(me) or do we actually see this in all layers of society where the word Racis(me) is still present today, even more so than before, or is it because it is now “in the open” less “Taboo or Shame” which has made us realise in this Bizarre Time that we are all the same, in the same boat … one experiences this as imprisoned and the other as liberation. Recognizable? Recognisable in life with or as Narcis(sist)?
Narcissism and Racism, very peculiar that these two words are so similar and yet also have the same characteristics as Black and White thinking, leaving no room for another opinion, another Colour, another Being through which the other person does not hear, see and feel loved, through which the other person no longer sees himself, no longer wants to see himself and no longer allows himself to be heard in the acceptance of life itself.
How far can we go? How far have we gone?
While each and every one of us has achieved so many accomplishments, just choosing this life on Mother Earth with all the bumps it brings, but also what your parents, ancestors often had to endure to give you this chance to make something beautiful out of it, so it seems only “normal” for you to observe, honour, cherish and wear it as a beautiful shield that you may protect, but also rejoice in being who you are, wherever you may come from. The footsteps you are taking are thanks to your ancestors who have also lived and lived the Black and White thinking, but as evolution progresses, hopefully they have also converted it into the positive, the Doing and Sharing Together, but through time, through Mankind, there will always be people who think Black and White and use it for their own gain .
What matters is to look together with the eyes of Love instead of the eyes of Hate to take away the Taboo, the Shame, step by step to indicate, of hey this is going on, this is happening in my life and I need HELP to give colour to my Life again because we are individually so beautiful, so colourful that there is no second person who has achieved this, experienced this or has experienced this.
Think for yourself, take the time to reflect on what you have achieved so far. It is often easy to forget where you started and how far you have come. Recognize the special journey your life is and be thankful for it.
That is easier said than done when you are in a situation where this is happening, but remember that you are not alone, remember where your roots are, remember that your ancestors also had to fight for certain things that we now see and experience as ‘normal’.
Know that there is always an opening in your mind as you mix the dark colour Black with the light colour White to create the colour Grey, giving you more space to silently see what you would need now to take a step towards the exit that will show Your Way of Life.
You do not walk your Way of Life alone; you walk it together with all the others who have gone before you. Life is a Choice of Colours, a Choice of Options that only you can choose. The Choice is yours. Think Black-White or go first to the colour Grey and a range of Colours will unfold as you take the Step to YOUR OWN COLOUR!
Heart & Soul When making decisions, keep in mind what your Heart and Soul tell you. Sometimes our mind can deceive us. Choose Love, not Fear.
After the theme of Black and White, the question arises; and now what? Which way do you have to go to find yourself again, or find yourself again? From the current situation it is difficult and difficult to see this Step as an obstacle and not as an Adventure. Explore the possibilities – explore YOUR Possibilities – there are many more than you can think of right now. Don’t see things as Black and White but explore all the colours in between.
The colour that comes to you NOW is the colour you need to take this Step and perhaps it is in an imaginary form – in something you already see in front of you or in physical form – a flower, a word or something else that gives you Power and a sense of confidence or security to persevere and enter into the Adventure without Hesitation or Fear. Because those are the two evildoers who come around the corner.
The current meaning of hesitation is partly due to the resemblance (in form and meaning) to “doubt”. The main difference between the two is that in Doubt there must be two (or more) alternatives, while one can waver without having to choose anything at all.
If one assumes this meaning, then both do not apply, since there is indeed a choice – one very important Choice – and that is ME!
ME is central to choose for yourself with Heart and Soul and to enter the Adventure with yourself!
You will certainly Hesitate and/or Doubt, because this Choice takes a lot of Courage and Self-confidence to enter into the Adventure that you do not yet see or feel clearly, but this Step will actually show it, make it heard and make it feel. The Voice in your head will sabotage you, will make you Hesitate/Doubt and will let Fear reign because the Voice of the Narcis(sist) is still so deeply present in your cells, in everything you do, don’t do, say, don’t say and especially breathe, that this has become a 1st nature for you, putting Your Nature in 2nd place and putting it on hold to become number 1 again.
This Adventure will certainly show and make Hesitations, Doubts and Fears feel, however, know that these are well-founded emotions, feelings that find this Adventure terribly exciting because they can choose for themselves NOW. They have the freedom to show themselves and let themselves be heard as they are meant to be and that is quite a lot.
The Narcis(sist) will always appeal to you! In what you have done, done, and failed to do NOW. He/she will approach you with his/her Charm Offensive in such a way that you will doubt yourself and that you won’t stand a chance without Him/her and that you won’t survive and won’t find anyone like Him/Her anymore.
His/Her life is put on His BOP by your Power, by your Self-confidence, by your Steps that you are going to take towards yourself and that makes them insecure and anxious but do not show this. No, they indicate that they have done everything they can to help you in every possible way – giving you room for individuality and especially encouraging you to choose if you want to. However, the Choice was never there, the Choice was taken away from you prior to the event whether it was something business, familial, or personal.
They did make it clear that there was only 1 Choice and if you thought differently then you had to come from a good home and with well-founded arguments because otherwise it was all nonsense and especially a fabrication, an excuse not to accept something, Because that would mean that you do not take him/her seriously and he/she really does have the knowledge and know-how on every level because you have common sense or not and if you react that way Dom or Stupid it is either that you are not interested in what they say or that you are really that Dom/ Stupid, because what they say it is quite logical that it is the WHYLE.
SPACE for another Opinion, another expression of anything in the form of Love, Attention or Compassion does not count in the eyes of a Narcis(sist) – no it is whether one or the other – not Middle Way.
Now you have taken the SPACE that he/she has taken all this time, in your mind, in your Heart and in your Soul, and this void that has arisen you may now fill- Under Way in this Personal Adventure with all the emotions, feelings that it will bring with it.
Know that you are NOT ALONE, even if it feels like that in the first place, because you may now SELECT for yourself, fill in your SPACE for yourself and DO & LATE whatever YOU want! How beautiful is that ~ ME – TIME -.
To show ME- ME Himself, to let ME hear ME Himself, to share ME Himself, to develop ME Himself, to see ME Himself, to feel ME Himself, to reward ME Himself, to enrich ME Himself, to admire ME Himself, but above all to love ME Himself as you are, as you always have been and to stand up for yourself like that beautiful Narcissus.
In the colour that suits you right now and you can put on as jewelry, as a warm blanket, as a beautiful New ME can put on and walk the Way of Adventure as you want. The way will show you which way to go, the way will show you what to do, the way will show you the directions from your Heart, the directions from your Soul and Touch in a way that will fill your Heart in that empty space and make your Soul dance as if you were a Child again with the open-mindedness and innocence that you saw when you went on Adventure. Every day is an Adventure – enjoy these Steps and know when you are struggling, homesick, feeling guilty, and experiencing loneliness that you now have a Choice that you will not just experience a second time and will not be able to make because this Choice is sent from your Soul and the circumstances indicate when you can make it.
Know that you will never be alone, even if you feel lonely and alone, know that we are there, and know that you have many people around you who will assist, carry and guide you on your Way of Adventure, but also know that this Way of Adventure has many bumps that you will have to take in order to eventually become ME. It is a Way of Adventure that we all take, but this Way is not just any Way. It was taken after a lot of Pain, Grief, Fear and the Loss of ME that made it impossible for you to “breathe” without the Lungs of the Narcis(sist), to Speak without the Voice of the Narcis(sist), to feel without the Heart of the Narcis(sist), to be Free without the Key of the Narcis(sist) and eventually to be, no longer existed without the Soul of the Narcis(sist) and to regain and own your Breath, your Voice, your Heart, your Soul and your Freedom is a long road, is a long process of trial and error, but know when you make this Choice that you will feel this right in a place that is only for you, in that hidden place because you are the Key, have turned the Key to a New ME!
ME – Compassion; As you show more compassion with yourself, the Universe responds automatically by overloading you with more Blessings.
Me- Mystery; Together with the Sun, Earth, Moon and Stars, you are part of a Creation, a divine mystery unfolding. Be present and feel the power of the Now. Enjoy all the Miracles.
In the end we only have a long way to go and sometimes it is necessary to just take the steps to finally be where you need to be!
Do not be afraid of the unknown. This is a period of probing exploration and transformation. unknown territory leads to new horizons.
Be your beautiful SELF- be your own Narcis (i.e. Daffodil) – let ME shine through the right nourishment for your Mind, Heart & Soul so that your Narcis (i.e. Daffodil) may grow, blossom, scent in all the colours of the rainbow.
Let yourself see, let yourself be heard and show who you are in all the Ornate & Glory because then you will be at your most beautiful. You are a Jewel for everyone who touches you, who sees you, who hears you, who acknowledges, recognizes, respects and LOVES YOUR ME as it is meant to be.
Song of hearts ~ What does your heart say? ~
Your truth lies in the empty spaces between your thoughts. Your truth shines through from your soul. Your truth is infinite and unchanging. Your truth is Love.
A Wizard lives in every human being. In every Human heart the Power of Creation awaits to perform miracles. Small or Big Miracles, it doesn’t matter because for the Universe all Miracles are equal. When you awaken the Wizard in your own Heart, it will bring back to you the memory that you have always been the WONDER of your own life.
Wizard: a “wise person” – ME – who takes you through a complex procedure by asking you only the right questions & giving you answers at the right time.
English for ¨Wizard¨ – ME – a series of steps to go through to set something up or perform an action.
All Tools are available, all supplies are in stock, all possibilities are there, all creations are there for you to pick up, all Love is in the process where your Heart will give you the right directions and your Soul will touch you where needed to show His Way of Adventure.