(66) If You Let Go Who You Are, You Could Become Whoever You May Be

vlinder op hand - shutterstock_118291774“You have to let it go!” How often is this comment used insensitively? “You’re good, as you are!” Another one of those amazing one-liners…

But what can you do with comments like that when you are not feeling good yourself at all, as you are now? When you feel you do not matter, while you know in your mind that you do matter as much as everyone else? What if that feeling is so deeply anchored in yourself that you became that feeling?  “Then you have to let go of that feeling!”, is the most likely answer. But, that means concretely you have to let go the entire picture you have of yourself. One step further it means that you have to let go of yourself; to say farewell to your own “I.” To say farewell of who you were and to start searching for who you really are. Releasing the person, you feel you are, is frightening. Not electrifying, but real scary! Because in your belief, this is who you are.

Where does this story lead to, you may think as reader. What has this, perhaps somewhat troubled, desperate story to do with mourning? Bereavement to me means to reflect on what was in all its aspects and to give the associated sadness and grief a place in my heart. Not to forget, but to give room for new things, insights and experiences. In the event of the death of a dear one you often make not the choice yourself to say farewell. That choice is made for you, for example a disease. At a farewell to yourself you have that choice and which may be made consciously with your whole heart. I write very intentionally “may,” because “must” is not an option in this case. You don’t have to say farewell to yourself at all because you also have the choice to stay the same as you are today, including all those feelings of being inferior.  But wouldn’t you deprive too much of yourself?

Thanks to all those lovely people I have been able to gather around me, I’m now convinced that you really deprive yourself too much in that case! They made it clear to me that every person is a beautiful human being with good and less good sides. That each person has arrived on this world precisely as he or she is meant to be. My head knows this by now, but yet still my heart…

My head understands by now that I’m not the person I’m convinced I should be, and would gladly like to say farewell to that. But, my heart is not ready yet. It is still convinced that I’m the person I am, and that I would no longer exist as the person I should be if I let go. Because who am I when my heart does not belief the person I should be? That answer has my head neither and hence there is battle going on between my head and my heart. The “winner” has long been known, but the “loser” is not willing to give up yet; it’s too attached yet in old beliefs and fears.

When Hans asked me to write an article for his site, I already knew that I wanted to write about this topic. By writing about this topic I say farewell, not to myself, but to my beliefs. Because I have always existed and I always will be there. I am who I am and not the person I thought I was. But every farewell hurts and required time of mourning. A time of reflection, looking back and putting those happy memories in a little box. Then, all by itself there comes a time with new insights and new experiences. Until that moment comes I allow myself to grieve so my heart gets the time to heal and I can become the person I may be.

 

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