This year I will become 50, many memories are coming up, my dad passed away before his 50th anniversary. After several heart attacks over three years he disappeared from a life without saying goodbye. My father was always a hard-working, strongman and as honest as Gold. However during his last years he turned out to be not as strong as he used to be. He had to relax and had to take it easy which was difficult when managing his own business and raising six children of which three were at home. In the years preceding his death I experienced anxiety, was afraid to come home and to learn that he was gone. I had anxious dreams and put these away; I put all emotions away.
Life after the death of my father was complicated, I felt numb, lonely and had guilt. All this I kept for myself and kept it within me and had the feeling that the other family members did the same. We all had our emotions, we were silent and didn’t talk about this. My dreams were more violent than ever, I became depressed and had a feeling that my life had no meaning to me anymore. I ran my job, was administrative assistant, on autopilot. My body was responding to all that happened, had stomach ache, pain in my back, neck, shoulders and had and all kinds of vague complaints. The yoga I was going to do for a body and my mind was the last drop on rather complex and hot plate.
When I met my husband my life became more enjoyable. He is a nice enjoyable and enthusiastic positive man from whom I learned an awful lot and am still learning. He showed me the positive outlook of life, he taught me how to talk and how to take the challenges of life. His business was flowers and every week he went to England for four days. So every week I said my goodbyes to him and was alone. I had a lot of periods where I felt down in particular but I didn’t show it to the outside world. I had a lot of headaches and vague symptoms.
It took a long time before I was restored after the birth of our two daughters. My body was getting worse and worse. After seven years it turned out that my thyroid wasn’t performing well and was fast getting worse. I had to take medicines immediately. In the meantime I met my new yoga teacher who practised Reiki and also had teaching classes. I started to do a Reiki class and became increasingly aware of what was happening around me. I became aware that I was a very sensitive and could feel the pain of other people. Through meditation, yoga, and especially by treating myself with Reiki I was improving both mentally and emotionally all the time. I also became aware that I often felt situations coming up before they actually occurred. I also did personal sessions in order to process and heal unprocessed and unexplainable emotions. When meditating I could often feel the energy changing around my body. Those moments were very emotional but they also felt very good and loving.
After I became a Reiki Master I got in touch with “family constellations”. I found that a lot is happening in the unconscious level of which we are never aware of. By using family constellations in which I positioned my father a lot of emotions were freed and I could process and heal my unresolved issues and unfinished relation was my father. I felt more and more free and happy this way myself. Together with my twin sister I followed a training in family constellations. It provided more depth and knowledge of myself; allowing our emotions and seeing each other’s grief and expressing it was a major step in my life.
I discovered that the part of me that has stopped living was again allowed to be. Step-by-step, a little bit of getting used to it again, I was able to live with love for myself and the other. Layer by layer was and still is peeled off as the layers of an onion. I am able to get closer and closer to my inner core. I’m experiencing more and more support, support in the feeling and warmth in my heart and my stomach. Support from the dearests that departed, standing behind me as a solid block and sending me supporting love and messages that I should continue with what I’m doing right now.
My awareness of the period from the moment my father died (now 30 years ago) does realise me how important support is during bereavement. For me, it took a while before I was seeking and asking support, partly because at a time it was not well known. In retrospect, it might have been advisable to seek support sooner than later. Even I made a long journey to my inner core in those last 30 years, more support and coaching would have resulted that the path I walked would have been easier and faster to follow. There remains much to explore inside me but I have my whole life to do so. Life is getting more and more comfortable, freer, more loving and emotionally richer.
Now I help other people to take the steps to support them when their path is fading slightly. It gives me great satisfaction and also strong the feeling that this is my duty to do so here on earth. And this all is because I walked the path myself. That I may lighten the path on a deep unconscious level that transcends thinking. The path that brings understanding, love and healing.