(116) Narcistic relationships

Keep focus on yourself in a narcistic relation. Find you own empowerment again because then narcists loose their power and control.

Narcistic relationships

I got the question; how do you recognize a narcissist? That question is not so easy to answer, but I can describe the process, because how does a strong, independent woman who owns two companies end up in such a relationship?

How narcistic relationships start

Looking back, I can say that it starts with red roses, many conversations (this is the basis for the narcissist to get to know you well, to analyse your strengths and weaknesses, to absorb your fears and your wishes) . In the beginning you think that you have come to know someone who understands you, meets you and gives you exactly the things you were hoping for. They present themselves as what they have seen your need. Hence, trust is created.

How narcistic relationships further develop

In the next phase, this trust is exactly what they will abuse. Because in the first phase of the relationship they have built up a kind of “credit”, created a certain form of dependence (because they do everything for you). Without you noticing, the relationship will change. They are increasingly determining what the “rules” within the relationship are. How you want to dress, what you eat, who you interact with, etc. They are also very manipulative and jealous.

You will notice that the longer the relationship lasts, the more rules are created unnoticed and the smaller the circle around you becomes. This is very gradual, so in the beginning you don’t even notice that people are slowly disappearing from your life, you think contacts are watering down or just not working anymore.

What happened to me

In my case it became a problem at some point to meet with customers, because the jealousy was everywhere, and this obviously has major consequences for your companies. For me it started with a kind of emotional abuse. Your limits are being crossed little by little … and from that point onward it goes further and further downhill. Because I remember the first time, I got it into my head to go against it … that was punished because he literally flew at me and pulled the hair out of my head … totally unexpected and out of nowhere. Then I hear people think, dear, why don’t you immediately leave such a person? But no, you don’t. Because fifteen minutes later they are crying in front of you, they also didn’t understand what happened … so bad … come on, we go out to dinner, I want to make it up to you. Despite the fright, you put the incident aside. Until the next one, a few months later … just when you think it was a real one-off and a little bit of confidence started building again … the next outburst comes.

What people around me only saw

The difficulty with narcissists is that they will never do this in front of other people. So, to the outside world they only see a partner who has always everything for you. Not the manipulative, jealous, controlling demon that the person really is. It’s getting worse and worse … and the abuses are also getting worse. In my case, one day I felt such a strong sense of “I don’t want to grow old this way” that I found the strength to confront and break the relationship.

Terminating a relationship with a narcissist is easier said than done. Because you are now (almost) completely isolated from your environment, so you can’t count on support from your environment. And the people who are left after such a relationship don’t believe you. They only see you upset and the narcissist always loving and helpful, so it will be up to you. Because yes, if you react angry, sad and frustrated if someone always does everything for you, then it’s your fault.

Braking narcistic relationships is difficult … but not impossible
Lonelyness within a narcistic relationship
Lonelyness

The problem is that narcissists have an incredibly large ego. Hence, it is unthinkable for them for you to leave them. After the relationship was over, it still took me 7 months before it was really over. They really come up with everything to keep control over you and fuel your fear (which you have already built up). You must be damn strong in your shoes to push through, but it’s worth it! In my case it went so far that he was inside my house with the keys he had made, when after a night out I came home with a girlfriend (after 6 months apart) I found him sleeping in my bed … you don’t feel safe anymore. With me it finally escalated so much that the last time he was in my house, I became so terribly angry that he was literally knocking on me with his fists … I couldn’t go outside for a week and as a result I’ve a hearing damage. The only advantage of that last experience was that the abuse was now visible to the environment, because my whole face was bright and blue. This was the moment where I finally received help and support from my environment. So, 7 months after the relationship ended, it was finally over.

Therefore, I understand women who are in a toxic relationship. I understand the fear of leaving such a person, because it has consequences because they simply don’t accept it. Narcissists don’t think like healthy people and are just not susceptible to reason.

What I hope to accomplish with this post

I write this because I hope that my example, my story, gives other women the strength to choose for themselves. Because yes, even though it is a long way to break free from such a person, even if it has very unpleasant consequences, everything is better than the alternative. That is, stay with such a person and terrorize your life.

I hope that all women who find themselves in such a situation find the strength to choose for themselves. When you find your own power, they lose power and control over you and your life. Keep your focus on your ultimate goal: choosing for your happiness and your life, although it is something that is only rewarded in the long term.

You are worthy to be happy!!

(110) Don’t leave me alone

Two people who each have their own point of view, their own opinion and no matter how you look at it, both are right. That is allowed and there is nothing wrong with that. But when with one of the two violent emotions play a major role, like sadness, fear or pain, then it’s important that both are willing to understand the other’s point of view. Understanding, so that the bond between the two is not severed but strengthened!

Introduction

The current blog, “don’t leave me alone,” is about two people with the fictitious names Kathy and Tanya. Both have a different even opposite view of the same situation. That is possible and should be okay. But when intense emotions play a major role at Kathy … then it is important that both can talk to each other … and … can understand each other’s opinion. “And then what,” you may think. “Can’t you have a difference of opinion?” Yes, you can. But it becomes a different story when intense grief or a serious illness play a role with Kathy. Relationships can sever or even end; as with Kathy who is afraid of being left alone. Whatever you think, it happens in daily life and it “hurts people.” Nobody wants that, right?

Kathy

Kathy has no shortage of friends and, just like my daughter Anne Birgit, she’s a beautiful young woman. However, on the outside, you can’t see she’s seriously ill. And Kathy too had to cope with the necessary blows in her life with the result that the brilliant light she really is, rarely comes out.

Kathy has undergone a whole range of chemo treatments and radiation treatments. During the last consultation with the specialist, he indicated that the treatments will continue to work in her body for months before something can be said about the result.

It is already the second time for Kathy in her life that she has undergone such a series of treatments. She can still clearly remember the first series. How relieved and happy she was after she was told that she was free of tumours … that she could celebrate life again.

The results of the second series will take months to come. Until then, Kathy is not really in a party mood, let alone to celebrate life because the treatments have been completed. She can still remember the enormous disappointment and especially her anger when the tumours returned for the second time. Until then, Kathy is full of hope that the treatments have achieved the intended effect. On the other hand, she is so afraid of being disappointed again because she realizes what that will mean for her sooner rather than later.

Tanya

Like Kathy, Tanya is a beautiful young woman who is full of energy and who is always ready to throw a party as soon as there is anything to celebrate.

Tanya also had the necessary setbacks in her life … yes, who didn’t. But when you don’t know it or don’t look deep into her eyes, everything indicates that life seems to be one big party for Tanya, and she enjoys it to the fullest.

Tanya and Kathy are close friends. The treatments Kathy had to undergo for almost a year took a great toll. She was more often in bed than not and too tired to do anything. Tanya made sure that at least Kathy was eating … that is if she could keep in that little bit, she was able to eat … and … take care of herself.

When Kathy returned after all those intense treatments from the last consultation, it was just natural for Tanya that this should be celebrated. That’s what you do … it makes sense … you have completed a phase … you can go on with life, right?

Don’t leave me alone

Kathy had a different opinion. She still remembered the conversation with the specialist, the uncertainties expressed in it and Kathy also remembered the result of that first series of treatments. The enormous relief and joy she felt at the time when they told her that she was free of cancer, and a few years later the intense sadness, the anger and the fear that the tumours had returned. Now Kathy is afraid, so afraid of being disappointed again.

“What do you mean, party? There’s nothing to celebrate” Kathy says to Tanya who doesn’t agree with her. For Tanya there definitely something is to celebrate. The treatments are completed, aren’t they? And with this difference in thinking … this difference in opinion … a difference in point of view that is so logical and obvious for each of them … that it’s impossible for them to understand each other’s point of view.

don't leave me alone, sad, afraid, disappointed
Don’t leave me alone!

And at this point the relationship between Tanya and Kathy starts to wane and Kathy’s cry for help, “don’t leave me alone,” becomes a reality eventually.

But on the other hand, maybe Kathy’s fear has made Tanya as frightened as she is. Or … there is something that Tanya has been touched by or afraid of … which dilutes the relationship. Or … maybe … yes, you can think of and accept anything, but it’s not something you can get along with it.

How to proceed from here

For me it is crystal clear that Kathy and Tanya should discuss this with each other … and … keep talking to each other so Kathy doesn’t feel left alone. Yes, it’s clear to me, but do they think so too?

In my opinion, it is necessary that Kathy and Tanya sit together at the table and each tells her story about … what is felt … missed … should be celebrated … or not … or what they might be even afraid of.

It would also be beneficial to do this together with a “mediator” so that, in addition to helping in expressing each other’s words to the other, at the same time he or she can foster the understanding that both look at the same situation in their own unique way.

Both have a point, but it is important that they can understand each other’s point of view … so that the relationship between Kathy and Tanya does not gets diluted … but instead … becomes stronger.

Conclusion

It’s my experience that people start from their own opinion, or their own view they have of the another. That’s obvious, you might think, but in my opinion, it will be something completely different when that image is based on a series of assumptions. The reality regarding others is usually different and much more complex than we initially thought or assumed. That is why it is wise to keep talking to them in order to get a better understanding for each other. The same applies to people we think we know very well or for a long time.

You could also assume that everyone is correct. To illustrate this, imagine you are standing in a mountain landscape. The image that you see is determined from where you look at it. When you let everyone tell you what that landscape looks like, you will hear different stories depending on where these people were standing … in that same landscape.

In communicating with the other person, it is important that we are prepared to adjust our own opinions about the other person if that should prove so during the conversation. And there is often another bottleneck because not everyone can just do this or want to do this.

Epilogue

The core of the case used in “don’t leave me alone” is not unique. There are countless examples in which communication between people is the cause that they do not understand each other … with all possible consequences … like the one in “Farewell“.

Like in the used case of this blog in which two people each have their own point of view or their own opinion. No matter how you look at it, both are correct. That is allowed and there is nothing wrong with that. But when one of the two experiences violent emotions, such as sadness, fear or pain, then it is important that everyone can understand the other’s point of view, so that one of them doesn’t feel left alone in the end!