(109) A Happy Feeling

Let the moments of sadness, of fear, of pain, of disappointment fly away like the Butterfly and let the joyful feeling, the sense of oneness, sense of belonging that you may give yourself, share in these seconds of being whole fulfil you.

Dear Soul, do you want to write for me?

In an unexpected moment of one second, when entering a hallway, I was surprised by a beautiful appearance that flew in my direction. In this one second, I pondered to catch it and to set it free from this Hall, because it should fly in nature. Everything during this one second made me catch this beautiful Butterfly and search for a window.

While searching I could not find a window, then went up towards to the terrace where I could let this beautiful appearance rest.

On the way to the terrace, my sister came upstairs and, in my enthusiasm wanted to share this feeling … by carefully opening my hand I showed the beautiful Butterfly to my sister, she was just as surprised by this wonderful spectacle what was given to us this morning.

While talking and searching for an attempt to give the Butterfly her freedom, my sister tried to grab her phone to capture her.

While filming the Butterfly stayed quietly on my hand, showing itself in her most beautiful outfit, a colour splendour that made us happy, that happy inner feeling you can’t explain had passed by a couple of times in a few seconds, in a deep respect, a deep appreciation, a deep togetherness, feeling a deep unity with this beauty from nature. She had closed her wings and, walking to the terrace, she opened it, this colour splendour warmed us up inside and amazed us in a way that was very special.

The beautiful butterfly sitting on my hand

Walking to the hydrangea to let her rest on the leaves and then to meet freedom, she sat very quietly and occasionally let her wings close and open. During this short period of connection with three creatures of nature we felt that this, this connectedness was necessary to make us realize that nature has so much to offer and that nature in ourselves needs so little to create this happy feeling for what it is.

At some point while talking to her she showed her wings spread on my hand where I said: “Go … go enjoy flying into nature … be yourself.”

The beauty she radiated during these few seconds made us marvel this moment for the rest of the day.

A moment of awareness with this beautiful Butterfly reminded us that every second of the day you can enjoy yourself, be yourself and because of all kinds of circumstances you can sometimes no longer see the beauty of this Butterfly, can feel it, can share it in the way that Nature you offer … for free and for naught.

This Butterfly stands for that bit of enjoyment, rejoicing yourself by looking through the eyes of this beauty that makes you surprise, rejoice and warm.

Think like the Butterfly, spread your wings, show off your colour splendour, and sometimes take a break to relax so that you can fly out the way you want and can fly out to a new place, a new feeling, a new encounter, a new experience! Embark on a voyage of discovery within yourself as the Butterfly did in this hall, and watch what you can see, be able to experience in a matter of seconds, which will make you stop for a moment in wonder, the admiration of nature around you, on Mother Earth, in nature and within yourself.

Let the moments of sadness, of fear, of pain, of disappointment fly away like the Butterfly and let the joyful feeling, the sense of oneness, sense of belonging that you may give yourself, share in these seconds of being whole fulfil you.

A happy feeling is that feeling where you press that Heart & Soul button to let the Light shine in a dark room. Be this button yourself, because anything is possible! A few seconds to rejoice your heart, rejoice your soul, and above all rejoicing your life, making other energies realize that we are all just seconds on Mother Earth to make this wonder, admiration, to be allowed to share as the butterfly did with me and my sister.

That’s where I’m this beauty grateful for.

(93) Awareness

Our life had to be the way it was!

After completing my previous blog [A Broken Heart] I was left with a vague feeling. A feeling I couldn’t really touch. That feeling was emphasized by my question at the end of that blog:

“What if we would have been able to process our grief, under guidance or supervision… would my soulmate then still be alive?”

It took a while until I got an answer to that question.

The sooner you are aware of your grief, the sooner you will be able to process it and… in my opinion, the less are the possible consequences. Whether you want to process your grief is a choice… that choice is entirely up to you.

It was only after the death of Anne Birgit, our daughter, that we realized we had to do something with the grief we had suppressed those 21 years our daughter lived. Suppressed… because we both constantly were in a survival mode.

Suppressing grief all those years became a second nature for us. It became a habit… yes… a habit! In the end, unprocessed grief will consume you from the inside. It starts with those undefinable ailments… ailments of which no one can find the cause… to even, as happened to me, two open-heart operations right behind each other… or even worse when my wife died of broken heart. These were signals from the body that something was off and that I needed to arrange my life differently… or even drastically. During the years that our daughter lived we weren’t aware that we needed to process our grief… and after her death we couldn’t… or didn’t know how to… a missed opportunity.

But… how do you become aware of your grief?

You could listen to the family, friends and the people around you. But, you may not want their view at those times.

You could keep a journal in which you summarize every 3 or 6 months what you’ve experienced in the past period… how you’ve felt and how you’ve dealt with it. When you’ve done this several times you may discover a trend on how you feel at that moment in relation to the beginning of your grief or loss. If your loss at that moment feels just as intense as in the beginning… that may be an indication it is time to seek help… seek help on how you could deal with that loss.

At this moment I’m quite sure that if we had kept such a journal, every 3 or 6 months, right from the birth of Anne Birgit, we would’ve become aware at an early stage of our daughter’s life that we needed to process our grief (all the time) one way or the other with or without help or guidance. Our life would’ve been very differently indeed.

Our life had to be the way it was!

(86) Closure, a Follow Up…

Each of us experiences bereavement differently. For all of us the way we deal with bereavement is unique. And what’s more when you lose a child in my opinion you also lose a part of your future.

In my previous blog I described the closure of my bereavement regarding my wife’s death. In responses to the blog a valid question was raised: “And what about your daughter?”

Yes… what about my daughter?

Right now, I’m not sad about my daughter’s death in 2000. Yes, you’ll be thinking, at the time of writing it’s been 17 years ago. That’s a long time, hence it’s not surprising you’re not sad anymore about her death.

You may think this is bizarre… but, that I’m not sad about her death today is not because it’s a long ago. And yes, time doesn’t heal all wounds and certainly not this one. However, it’s not the time that passed… from my point of view it’s something completely different.

In my opinion, it’s because we knew from the day one that she wouldn’t live long. The pediatrician advised us not to mail her birth announcements. We did this anyway, she was born… so, it should be possible for her to live. During her life though, we regularly wondered if she would be able to celebrate her next birthday. In the end, she reached an age of over 21 years which is, although far too short to us, a respectable age for a person having Cystic Fibrosis. Our daughter knew and understood when she was eight years young that she wouldn’t live long. She made the decision to get everything out of her live that was humanly possible. And from my point of view, she succeeded absolutely.

Shortly before her death, our daughter told us that she would be very pleased when she finally could go Home. And we, although we would miss her a lot… we were happy for her too. Yes, it feels ambivalent… and it does. Certainly, for a stranger who doesn’t know or doesn’t understand our family.

Do I miss her? Yes and no! Yes, she’s no longer physically present and I’m not able to give her a hug anymore… like I used to do. And no, because I can often feel her presence and, one way or the other she writes sometimes a blog by using me, or we write a blog together.

For that reason alone, the closure of my grief due to her death is quite some time ago now. But sometimes… when I meet one of her friends… it’s tough again.

When I re-read the above, I understand why Irene, the author who responded to the Dutch version of my previous blog, feels the loss of her deceased son differently. He died unexpectedly. For that reason alone, her bereavement is different.

In my opinion, grief and the processing of grief is strongly dependent on how your dear one deceased. Was it suddenly or unexpected or, were you able to prepare for this over the years? Were you there during the death of your dear one, or were you told that the other died? Was the process of dying of your dear one a calm one… or, not? All these factors, and probably many more, influence how you experience your bereavement and how you deal with it.

Each of us experiences bereavement differently. For all of us the way we deal with bereavement is unique. And what’s more when you lose a child in my opinion you also lose a part of your future.

(85) Closure

With the closure of my grief, I would also like to tell you that bereavement is not only about grief, loss and sadness… but also about joy and happiness.


In my first blog, I wrote that you’re not the only one who must deal with grief one way or the other. I wanted to share with you the journey I had made so far because of the loss of my daughter and my wife. I also wanted to share with you the lessons I had learned in the hope that you might be able to apply these to yourself.

In the 72th blog, I looked back over a period of almost 3 years and described how I was consciously and unconsciously processing grief. Looking back, I realized at the time that the raw pain of grief had changed into the soft pain of sadness, that I had found new opportunities on my path and that despite my sadness I had become a happy person again.

When publishing the 84th blog, it became clear to me that it was OK to be sad… because my wife had died… and I missed her. But, I should let her go in order to be able to get on with my life! And not only that, I also should fully accept the person I am deep inside including all limitations and possibilities! In retrospect, I also realized that I had changed so much that deep inside me I had become silent… almost serene.

With the publication of this blog, I’ve come to a point where I truly can say that I did let go my deceased wife and because of that she is able to continue her path in the universe where she is right now. Although I can’t feel her presence anymore, somehow, I understand that we always will remain connected with each other.

At the time of writing, my feeling clearly indicates that my grief has come to a closure. However, it’s my opinion that it never will come to a finality. There will always be moments in the future that I recall my late wife. During those moments however, my sadness will not hurt me anymore. A partner will understand that and will be there for me during those moments… just as I will be there for her.

The serene silence inside me, I wrote about in my previous blog, is still there. Although at the time of writing it feels more like… inner peace. Probably that’s because I truly accepted who I am… with all my abilities… and all my limitations. I also notice that I, much more than I used to do so… that I ignore unnecessary hassle, nonsense conversations and nonsense topics. It feels as if I need to squeeze a full new life into that part of my path of life that I’m walking right now. It’s obvious to me that while using all lessons I’ve learned I can finally continue with a life full of happiness, opportunities and most of all new challenges.

With the closure of my grief, I would also like to tell you that bereavement is not only about grief, loss and sadness… but also about joy and happiness.

(84) Letting Go

“I do understand that you are grieving because your wife has died and you are missing her dearly. But, if you do want to get on with your life then you should let her go.”


At the time of writing my wife died 6½ years ago… time flies. Our marriage experienced the usual lows and many highs, and looking back to those 35 beautiful years that our marriage lasted I can only remember the great moments we had together.

We had agreed during our marriage that the one who lived longest shouldn’t stay alone, but should seek a new partner. In my opinion, such a promise is one thing, to honor it is quite a different matter. I had several relationships in the period after her death. Ranging from superficial to intense and with a duration varying from short to over 1½ years. Looking back, I must note that my deceased wife was still deep in my system. Of course, that’s beautiful because we had a great marriage, but in a new relationship it’s a disturbing factor. And, yes, I can hear the statements that the new partner should accept that your deceased wife is still in your system, and that is rightly so, but it is in my opinion not fair to the new partner.

In the end, I came to a point in my life that I decided not to become involved in a new relationship anymore. I felt outstanding, many friends were around me, it felt great that way. During that period, I carried a necklace with our wedding rings attached to it. It gave me peace and comfort. It also gave the feeling that my wife was always with me. Although I couldn’t touch her physically, I clearly could feel her presence.

A couple of months ago, the necklace seemed to be getting heavier by the day. Don’t laugh… pragmatic as I am I even checked the weight of the necklace on the scales. Of course, it’s weight didn’t increase, but in my opinion, it felt that way.

At a certain moment, a voice said to me, as if the person was literally standing next to me: “I do understand that you are grieving because your wife has died and you are missing her dearly. But, if you really do want to get on with your life then you should let her go. You must also accept the person you are deep inside you; you must accept yourself completely. Add to the necklace with the wedding rings the symbol of an angel and one of eternal life.”

It took a while, but eventually I bought an Ankh and the wings of an angel and added these together with the wedding rings on the necklace. To my surprise I felt myself changing the following days. Colors looked brighter… more radiant. Water felt different… softer. I was happier. The world around me seemed friendlier. People looked at me differently… or was it that I looked at people in a different way.

Recently, the voice told me: “It is time to have on the necklace only the symbol of an angel and one of eternal life; without the rings.” This time I listened to the voice immediately and took the rings of the necklace. At that moment, my life seemed to upturn. It became silent within me, almost serene, but also a deep knowing; you could call it inner peace. It also felt like the world was holding its breath for the miracle that was about to happen… the miracle of meeting a new soulmate.