Your partner deceased recently. Family and friends want to comfort you and to help you. But, you are not in the mood for it. You want to come to your senses, but it fails. You feel lonely because in everything around you, you still feel the presence of your partner. Sometimes you think seeing your partner from a distance… you are shocked… hold your breath… your heart skips… At those moments sounds diminishes… and time seems to stop. Then… when coming closer… you see it is somebody else… and slowly everything is getting normal again.
Slowly you start realizing your partner will never be in your live again. The same is true for the people around you. But by the issues of everyday life, and also because personally there distance to the deceased is larger, the shock to most of them begins to recede soon… not with you though. Until you meet them again. For them the meeting is a just moment, after which they move on again. That is not the case for you! In the beginning you tell your story to almost everyone and to some even more often. Although you tell your story and to some maybe even more times, you start feeling it does not seem to resolve anything. Or, maybe you do not feel anything at all. Or, maybe you do not even want to talk about it with others.
You want to bring your house in order, but you do not get anything done. And those times you manage, you think at your partner again and in your mind you return to the time you were both together and happy. Precisely those moments you feel alone. Days go by without anything really happening. You want to, but you do not get it done.
You still have a long way to go in learning how to cope with your loss, your grief and your loneliness. Learn to cope? But you have not reached that stage yet. You have no idea how to advance with your life. You have not even an overview of this, let alone to get a grip on it.
The world keeps on turning, and the people around you keep dealing with their issues all day. You get the feeling that the distance between you and the people around you is getting bigger and bigger. For them it seems you withdraw more and more. On the other hand, you get the feeling there exist two worlds; your world and the one for everybody else.
It is important you learn to deal with loneliness somehow. When you are alone that is OK, as long as you are not lonely. When you are lonely occasionally that is not bad either, but it should not be every day.
People who are close to you start to suggest that you should go out and meet people again. That is easier said than done. To go to the theater or the movie alone, is quite a step. When you visit couples you often stand before a glass door. Yes, you will be invites one or two times and then it seems you do not exist anymore. When you run into one of them they cannot make an appointment. They need to compare agendas first at home. They promise to call back, but they never do. Yes, you see people in the office, but the priorities there are different. When you go shopping people see you, but most of the time you are occupied with searching for the things you need, and you are so self-centered that you do not pay any attention to your surroundings. Occasionally you hear that people have seen you at some place, but why didn’t they have a chat with you in that case? Well, it goes both ways.
You get tired of this and withdraw; some even burn one’s boats.
Eventually it is noticed. Friends and colleagues urge you to meet people again… otherwise you get lonely. But are you ready for that? It was not so long ago that your partner, the love of your life, deceased.
Lonely? As long as “lonely” translates to “alone” then sooner or later it turns out to be alright. You are alone anyway. Whether you are with your family or at work, or between thousands of people, or maybe you are even the center of attention… you are alone. Alone, because your partner that was so important to you, is not there anymore. There are people who claim that your partner is with you indeed as spirit… but at that moment that is of no use to you. You cannot touch the other. No more that chat. No more that hug. No more that laughter. No more the togetherness. No more enjoying together. In those moments the wound of loss opens again. And as with all wounds, that hurts. It is all OK as long as you are not constant feeling lonely.
Wounds heal eventually. It can take a while, but they heal. Wounds leave scars, and you can still see these years after. Although you do not feel the pain anymore, sometimes you get those undefined sensations at your scar. As if you are reminded to that moment again… that moment when you felt the wound… in all its intensity.
Grief is like a wound. Grief leaves also scars, and those are visible too, even after years. Also the pain and hurt from grieving becomes less and disappears eventually… for most people. It may take a while before you hardly feel the pain anymore. And yet, in an unguarded moment, the pain is there again as intense as it was originally, and in those moments you think you are back to square one.
But despite all that has changed, all you have been through, felt and experienced, suddenly there are those days where you feel free and happy, despite you are alone. Days where you might feel yourself like a butterfly fluttering in the Sun from flower to flower. People are unique, for the one it takes a little longer than the other, but you will be fine… eventually.