Divorcing twice from the same man, didn’t I learn my lesson? Was going through that deep valley full of tears once with intense pain and hellish conflicts to divide our possessions not enough?
No, apparently, I wasn’t ready after my first divorce and I had to give our family another chance. At the time I put a line through our past, and bravely stepped into our relationship again with a clean slate. After all, wouldn’t it be great if we were to grow old together. I had to do it for our family, for our relatives and for our surroundings who always saw us as the perfect family. I myself wanted to give my dream of growing old together with our little family another chance and bring it back to life.
To my sense I fought and fought for our marriage until I almost collapsed. My head told me every day … come on you can do it, and you belong together, right? But more and more my body started to protest, and again I had health problems. My body had been telling me for quite some time that daily stress, tensions and quarrels weren’t good for me. After all, your brain, body and soul work together and they send signals. When I realized where my health problems came from, and that I pulled our children into our daily tensions and disagreements, this awakened me from my dream, and I had to choose for myself. It was the hardest choice in my life. A sense of having failed as a mother, and as a partner, but also having to deal with fears and uncertainties, and how to proceed on my own. Because the financial de-entanglement was very complex, the separation process took a long time and that made my grieving process even more raw. Living in uncertainty, high costs hanging over your head, and not knowing what to expect in the divorce process, means that you will hardly be able to process your grief, because after I made my choice I ended up in a mourning process.
Awareness that you are in a mourning process is very important for processing your grief. Awareness ensures that you dare to admit your grief and pain, and that you don’t run away from it. The fears and uncertainties that look around the corner, create doubts that make you falter to run back to the old familiar life. This is because your brains are so used to your old life and have been programmed in such a way that they think that that old life suits you best. Don’t sit in resentment and anger either, because that can also hinder you and prevent you from seeing anymore the beautiful things in your life. In order to proceed, to persevere and to stay with your choice, it is good to regularly ask yourself the following question in your grieving process:
What positive points have emerged from my divorce so far? My answers to this question show me that I am not only concerned with what I have lost. Insight into the positive developments strengthens you to see your future in a sunny way.
I am still sad sometimes and I still must deal with uncertainties, and fears, but I also notice that I have grown enormously as a person after the breakup of our family. The entire divorce process has made me stronger as a person, and the development process has made me grow. Dealing with setbacks in your life will strengthen you if you can give it a positive twist. It helps you to move on.
Grief may be there, but don’t let grief be the predominant factor for the rest of your life. Seek help if you find yourself getting stuck. As a Mental Coach myself, I have not walked this path alone. I too have enlisted help from others to vent and organize my thoughts. It is so important not to get stuck in your own processes and to allow yourself to be broken by your grieving process.
There will always be a small black edge visible, but if you can shine your sunshine again with any help from others, yellow will dominate again in your life. Yellow stands for optimism, growth and energy. Being able to see joy again and zest for life. And a golden yellow sun in your life even brings beautiful new sparkles in your life.