The story starts with the only time I can consciously remember seeing my father. It ends with the enormous loss during the upbringing of my son. Yes Dad, I missed you so much … afterwards.
As a 3-year-old, I can still remember very well the image of my father about which the story in this blog is about. There are other images, but … these have been photos that have gradually disappeared over the years due to the many removals. That one image, 70 years ago now, which this blog is about, is still crystal-clear to me. However, it seems as if I am now looking through a magnifying glass. I see my father’s face in every detail. The rest of the space he is in, is blurred.
As I now remember it
As a 3-year-old, I see myself on my knees in the hallway of my grandparents’ house and play with my grandfathers’s blue-grey wooden toolbox. I finally got the lid open and nothing was in the box. From the noises behind me I could hear that my grandmother was busy in the kitchen. Furthermore the house was quiet, very quiet and … the way I now experience it again and letting the feeling of that moment come to me … the house feels as if it waited for something … as if something very intense … something very important was about to happen.
Then the front door opens, and my mother comes in. As soon as she sees me, there is a big smile on her face, and I am glad to see her again. She asks if I will go with her to my Father. Of course, I want to. She picks me up and carries me upstairs to the room where my Father is resting. It is the room I am never allowed to enter. He has tuberculosis and everyone is so terrified that he could infect me that I was certainly not allowed to go to him.
My Father has just woken up and while my Mother is sitting with me on her lap on the floor, away from the bed, he is turning on his side. When he sees me, a radiant smile appears on his face. His eyes are shining all over, he is so happy. So much energy and love he radiates to me. It is a contact from eye to eye … from soul to soul … short and intense. It feels like a farewell … as if he knows he will never see me again.
My mother lifted me up again and we went back downstairs. It was far too short. I wanted to go back to him, but it was not allowed. They were so afraid that I would also be infected with TB. That just wasn’t goingto happen.
Years later I heard from my Mother that my Father had died a few weeks later. My Mother and Grandparents never really wanted to talk about my Father; that’s how it felt with me. Only many years later during the upbringing of Mervyn, my son, I started to miss my Father enormously. I would have liked so much to talk to him about raising a son. How would he have raised me and what would he have run into? What else would he have wanted to do differently afterwards? So that I wouldn’t have had to raise my Son with “trial and error”. As a father to my son, the number of failures is in stark contrast to the bits that succeeded. Unfortunately, my Father was not allowed to experience my upbringing and that of his grandchild. Dad, I missed you so much!
What I became aware of again
What I realised again while writing this blog is that memory is a fantastic tool. You can’t retrieve everything from your memory just like that. It usually requires triggers, such as a smell, a colour, a sound, an image, or an emotion. One of the triggers with me was a journey through my soul where you go back to your past under hypnosis. Another trigger recently was during a training about loss and mourning in young people. What I now also realise … realise again … is that the consequences of loss and mourning can surface again (many) years later. Time does not heal all wounds, there will always be scars left. It is what it is.
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Let your voice be heard is a contribution by Josefina Castañeda and is about a father’s message to his daughters. A message in which he says that it is important for them to make their voices heard. To all those it is also a message who, despite all the bumps, all the negative signals, attitudes, fears, and emotions that prevent them from being free and being who they are at their core. It is also the message to let Your Soul through Your Voice be heard by whoever wants to listen to it. It is also the time, despite the many tears of unnecessary suffering that we sometimes have to endure, an ordeal that is there because of others and that others have to endure, but that can also be resolved when the Soul has touched to see You, to hear You … to grow into who we want to be … like a beautiful butterfly that is allowed to show itself after a struggle of transformation and to be who it is because it is meant to be and not otherwise. Let YOU see and let YOU hear your Voice because YOU are important! And now follows the in my opinion fantastic contribution of Josefina:
“Let your voice be heard: A father’s message to his daughters
What a wealth we own when we look at what is happening in the world now, silently but above all in word, writing and voice.
Everyone’s voice is worth Gold and has a right to exist, but this Voice is often taken away from us or forbidden to be used. In Silence we say a lot, in Silence we think a lot, in you know a lot, in Silence you do a lot but the Power is in Your Voice, in Your Unique Voice because that is what you are talking about. You are blessed if you can talk, if you can talk freely and then why does it happen that this doesn’t or can’t happen?
You always have the rules, the habits, the culture and all kinds of other excuses I would almost say because who are you to silence me, who are you to tell me who I can be, who are you to make me believe that I have no right to speak, no right be who I am because I want to be like that or to express my opinion because it was given to me from the source of love, the Voice of God, the Voice of Justice!
There are all kinds of situations in which you know how to use your Voice, these are unwritten rules that we all know very well inside out, but we are made like this by all kinds of circumstances, shaped according to the circumstances at that moment you carry out from your own Can, Know and Trust to shape that part by using your Voice, as a baby, as a toddler, as a teenager, as an adolescent, as a young adult, as an adult, As an older adult and later when you are nearing the end of your Life, you hope that your Voice has contributed to the generations after you to pass on that piece of Law, Human Rights because it gives you freedom, understanding and above all, unconditional Love to be able to close your eyes and grow in your Way.
How to continue? The further on if you don’t have this Right, if you don’t have the Freedom to say what you want to say from your Heart where you Soul always shows you little by little where your Voice is, how to allow it into Silence to experience little by little the confidence to actually stand for who YOU are, to let your Voice be heard because it is Unique and may be made recognisable without any form of sabotage.
Why do you sometimes sabotage yourself when there is a form of freedom to express your opinion? What then prevents you from carrying out this action in an unforced setting that nevertheless brings about a forced action in which you hold yourself prisoner, lock yourself up, enter into conversation in Silence and finally decide to say Nothing. Is that the truth, your truth that is playing with you, with your thoughts, to let it happen in silence.
Out of fear we say a lot, out of fear we say little or nothing. Everything can be nothing in Silence in the Truth that is enclosed in a moment of hesitation, of doubt, of failure, of not being enough who you are.
What is the point of this when you consider that you were born with your Unique Beautiful Voice, which you were allowed to express as you wished from childhood onwards, but which was taken away by circumstances or gradually formed into a form that did not suit you, but eventually became your safe haven because in Silence you could express yourself better.
I do know that I have very often had to defend myself against words from Fear, words Contempt, from Condemnation, from Jealousy, from Grief, from Faith, from Ignorance, from Cultural DNA, from Ignoring, from Not Being Welcome, from Actions that all stem from the above situations that were so distressing and still are today, that my Soul broke when I was treated as Nothing, as Not Knowing, but my Soul gave me the strength to live up to my values by sometimes observing at appropriate times in Silence, saying everything in Silence and accepting in Silence thinking that it will pass, that it is a form of expression that we all have in us, but by circumstances one will use it and abuse it for one’s own good.
The message: Visualise clearly the life you want. Feel it in your Heart and Soul and you will get it.
Despite all the bumps, all the negative signals and attitudes that have hindered me in my freedom to be who I was, I have always imagined that deep within my Soul it was always Pure and Vibrant to show my Path of Life in the encounters and conversations I had, in the actions I did, in the actions I took. In the ESSENCE who I was did not change from within, from within my Soul.
I was infinitely Free, infinitely Pure, and infinitely Rich.
Those who truly saw me gave me courage, gave me positive Hope, gave me the Strength and unconditional Love to go on, to grow as it was meant to be. You form a shield around you, as a protection, that you are not so touched in your Soul because that piece is Your Voice and it will always whisper the right words to you and guide you into the good that you are inside, think and want to show.
Your eyes say a lot without saying anything, your ears hear a lot without sound or being spoken, your Voice says a lot without saying anything, your Body says everything formed with your unique code, your DNA of which you only have the Key to share that Piece of Freedom in your own way and just be.
Know that I am there, know that I see you, know that I feel you in your lonely struggle, in your Silence, in your Solitude to give you the Voice you need to be who you are. You are my daughters and I am so grateful that you wanted to be my daughters, and I save you from the fear, the Voice of Darkness, to let your own Voice speak, to be heard in a way that suits you.
Know that even in my life I have often had to keep my mouth shut and often got very angry with myself when I denied myself to others because this is your right, your birth right to be who you are and with who you are, you should always treat that other in a Respectful, Loving and Honourable way.
The DNA that Fear, failure, dictator Fear and all sorts of other Fears that made me stiffened at that moment, but I have never felt less than anyone else because I held on to my own truth inside, hidden deep within my Soul and gave me the strength to move on. From a very early age I was mistaken for less, for much less as nothing and that made me think I was who I was. I have never denied my origins and have held on to the stories, to the feeling from my Heart, from my Soul, just to be who I was, because I could do it best in spite of the tears, the sadness, the unnecessary pain and the inhuman treatment of some, I have been able to hold my own through the right people around me Love, To give Attention and Respect and to share Fear in a form of Trust, Knowing and Hope that the other person would reach out his hands when I needed them and that was, of course, a mutual event, a matter of course, which I see in you and which I find so special that I feel it with tears just like you, my darling.
Know that I am there for you, 24/7 and know that you also own that spot and know that you Soul wants to pass on the messages needed in the NOW for later. Later is NOW, don’t forget that!
Never forget who you are, where you come from and in all the bumps there is a gift hidden in the end that you may unwrap if time permits, but also remember that YOU have the right to be who you are, what you have to tell and how you want to do this in all modesty, and do not let it be brought to you that Your View is not worth naming, and that Your View does not count, for that is the essence of Being, the essence of who you were, are and want to be.
Your View lets you grow, blossom, see, forgive, and so much more that it enriches your Voice, lets you marvel, admire and breathe in my Being to find your own way day in, day out.
Your Voice is the part of your Soul which expresses itself in this way next to your intuition and feeling to walk your path of life, next to another sometimes, sometimes alone, sometimes behind another and sometimes in front of another to show the way or gather courage to assist that other on his or her path for protection, from passion, from question or from love.
Know that there have always been transformations going on during the Time, going on and still to come to let Your Voice be heard in that One Moment which makes you realize what you are capable of when that One Moment presents itself.
It is Time to show, let Your Voice be heard and felt in order to actually let go of acceptance, connection, and Fear in which the Being may live, may steer in all the simplicity of existence.
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